My brain pisses me off

I hate that I have no control over the entropy that is my brain. People look at me, see how good I seem, but never think that deep inside, I'm a ball of pain. I never, ever, complain, and people seem to think that means I have nothing to complain about. It takes everything in my soul not to snap on A daily basis. I'm not going to complain, it could be worse. I could still be sleeping in my car. I could be in the hole that I was in for a long time. Nevertheless, I could be doing better, instead of constantly reminded that I am not good enough.

Oh well, perfection is hard to come by.

What an interesting week.

This week was interesting, that's for sure. Sad in many regards, but I'm still trying to move forwarD.I started my week dealing with a jeep that overheated, and
keeps overheating. I was then called on the way to work, and informed that pj, my favorite cat from my past life, had passed away. I was shocked, and heartbroken when I heard this, and I'm still in shock. He was truly my only real friend for years, and I never got to truly say goodbye. I was always greeted by him at the top of the stairs, and I miss him already. My kiddo is sadder than any of us, and asks me where he is. I tell her that he is with her brother, and they are playing.
I don't know what else can happen to make this life more difficult, but I'm sure it is coming soon.

I truly hate who I've become.

I have something to admit. I hate who I've turned into, regardless of how interesting it seems. I've been treading water for longer than I can remember, and I'm stuck worrying that the worst is yet to come.

I'm filled with unquenchable anger, and trusting anyone anymore is beyond my ability to think of. I'm beginning to think that I'm broken, beyond repair. The positive that I'm constantly reminded to think of, has long since left me behind. So, my premonition of the future has sadly come to pass. The desert that surrounds me is metaphorical, and the rain that I saw was nothing more than the state of my life.

Why I share these things eludes me still, for I doubt it is understood, nor does anyone truly care.

Oh well.

What strange things I have found myself involved in.

This week has been going well, but simultaneously, it's concerning. My life has perhaps changed for the better, but I can't change that I'm stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not really sure, perhaps it's just what I'm used to. Or maybe it will. I truly believe that I'm doing well, but I can't tell. The things I have been through this past year has made me feel accomplished, but saddened by the way I seem to have no control of anything. Sure, this is the same way it is for everyone, but still, I want to change the way I think about that.

(Sigh)
Have a great week everyone.

Long time no see

It truly has been a long time since I have wordsmithed, so I guess now is a good time to restart. The days I have overcome, the time I have watched pass, and the losses I have endured are all fresh in my mind. It's almost like yesterday my life turned on its heels, and thrust me in the direction that I am facing. So many muddled emotions, so many tears, and anger laden, sleepless nights. But, I'm not going to complain. I rarely do, regardless of how much has been stacked on my plate. It is my hope that you are all doing well, and that you will continue reading, as my word's can reach you, even though I personally cannot.