I have a confession to make.

I am an addict. I am not addicted to drugs, nor alcohol. I am addicted to the feelings of pride, usefulness, and the idea of helping other people. As I started losing feelings, and vision, I clung to the only thing I was truly able to feel anymore. I often go out of my way just to help. It is not truly an issue, just a view into the way my brain works.

So where do i go from here

I tore down my shell, removed it and felt love again. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. Too young, looking to experience things I had years ago. I was, and still am, heartbroken. She was not ready, or found interest elsewhere. I am not sure. My heart aches, but I have a goal in mind, to make my life better for me and my kiddos sake. It is going to make things strange, and awkward, as I do not fall in love frivolously, nor do i want to hurt anyone. But that's life. Anguish has crept in place of the love i felt. But i have to move forward.

You know, this week has my head spinning.

In both a good way, and troubling way. I feel i have learned a lot about people recently. So much, that i feel confident that i am moving down the correct path.
Heartache, pain, and sadness have struck me hard. Again, I have been pushed into a corner that troubles my beliefs.
I feel sorry for those that haven't felt the need to choose me. So much so that it kills me. I am awesome, i am amazing, i am intelligent, i am great looking. But i am not vain, nor do i want to be used like a disposable tissue, after being tossed around like a rag doll. But hey, that is the way of the world. Adapt and overcome. Adaptation is my only strong point. And therefore I need to continue morphing.

Friends, what are they?

I truly just don't get it. I do everything I can put myself out there, to get people to notice me. Low and behold, I always feel left behind. I get it, because I am unable to do things like everyone else, I am left out for my trouble. Don't you think I want to do things like everyone else? Don't you think I try my best to feel a part of something? Did I ask to not be able to ride a ride, and if I do at my own expense, having no center of balance makes it impossible. That's right, I am not normal, and if you don't understand, or feel the need to not make me a priority in your life, fuck off. I'm done.

Today was interesting

I met a man, who seemed like he needs some help. He has come to my apartment several times, and seems like a lost soul. You all know how I am, and I felt compelled to help. He apparently was just hit by a car, and was walking around only wearing boxers, and a T-shirt. The packing they had placed in a leg wound was hanging out, and he looked disheveled, and in pain. I talked to him for a time, and explained that he needed to clean himself up, and rest to get better. I explained that I have a little bit of medical background, and he seemed surprised. He swore that God had placed me in his path, and called me an angel. I put my hand on his shoulder, and smiled. I am no angel, and I explained that to him. He sat down, and began reciting a poem that he wrote. While reciting it, he burst into tears. I put my hand on his shoulder, again, and smiled. I told him if he thought i was an angel, then listen to what i say, and clean himself up, and go rest.
As i got in my car to leave, he said ok Gabriel, and pushed his bike away.

I think i did the right thing, but I am not sure.

I hope so....

How can you say sorry, to someone whom you don't know what they want?

That is the question I'm stuck on. My anxiety kicked in, and I lost control of myself. I reverted to past response, and it hurt someone I adore. How can i say i'm sorry. How?