sad realizations

This week started off wonderful.  Adventures.  Exploration. A bit of travel. But in the end,  a great time. 

Yet, when it was all said and done. I showed my entire hand. Pulled out all of the stops

For some strange reason,  I feel more anxious than I ever have. Maybe it's because I showed my whole hand,  before the ante was played. 

I don't know exactly what is churning in my thought locker. I don't know if it is true or not; however,  I know what I feel.  

And unfortunately I feel anxious. Unshielded.  Unarmored.

I guess I will meditate and try to find some clarity in spite of everything that is happening. 

surfing and adventure

The day started off with a silent,  yet steady tide  A familiar tide. Slowly flowing in my head.  A sunlit moment, a burst of love and happiness.  Then, out of the blue.  A huge tidal wave over took me,  driving my head down into the sand.  Exhaling my breath,  making sure that I was able to at least tread away from the turf. After the anguish subsided,  and I was able to breath again, freely.  I am not exactly proud of how far into the dark sands I sank. Yet down I went.  After the initial barrage subsided,  I was floating again.  Gasping for breath. Floating on my back.. Thanks to my little bear,  even though the tribulations had only just begun.  I licked my wounds.  Dusted myself off and took one step at a time.  We were completely free,  and happy together.  In a fashion that I truly never expected,  nor experienced. When the clouds cleared,  the sky slowly darkened.  I looked deeply into those doe eyes.  All I could feel was happiness unending.  Completeness, And thankfulness.

 All in all , the adventures ensued until deeply into the night.  This was a great day, and I felt alive once again .

succumbing to fear

Not a day goes by,  where I am reminded of why fear has consistently encircled my life.  

I fear that I will wake tomorrow morning and be unable to walk.  

I fear that my heart is too damaged. My soul too ripped and torn asunder. My brain is too dilapidated. 

I fear that my life is a waste of time for anyone who attempts to help me. 

I fear that no matter how hard I try. I will inevitably face my pain on my own. 

I fear, that due to past issues,  even though I say we, the "I" in every person will beat out my feeble crys for assistance. 

These are all bits and pieces of the damage that has been done to me in the past.  A past that I was never given a choice. That even though I was trying everything I could to fix,  needed to fix itself first. 

So all I can do is keep pushing forward.  Not only because of me.  So I can make this life better for my little bear.  This saviour bear will repair the world,  and my  past damage. 

There are day's

Oftentimes,  there are day's when , even with the happiness and love which surrounds me,  I succumb to my inner fear and darkness.  I will lay in my bed.  Stare at the ceiling for hours.  Trying to figure out what,  if any, wrong turns I made. 

Those night's,  as soon as the sun goes down.  I will succumb to slumber at first, yet then become nocturnal. Usually,  I will lay directly in front of my fan, no blanket,  no shirt.  My body temperature plummets, I feel frigid thoughts and the icy grip of my darkest feelings take the stage.  

Deepest fears.  Darkest thoughts.  Both which are held at bay during the day. They all begin  to Flood my thoughts.  My eyes turn shades of deep green,  darker blue, and sometimes grey.  

The pain of one thousand tiny cuts flash into my heart.  The anger  , which has been simmering for years,  bursts from my brain pan.

I do my best to Express my thoughts. I often feel a frozen hand on my arm,  sometimes even my face. Yet my word's are seemingly either unheard,  maybe ignored. 

Being unable

I often joke about the word,  can't.  I say that word is an unusable contraction.  And therefore shouldn't be used. 

What can anyone do if there are things that you cannot do.  Physically unable to 

 Emotionally unable to.  You name it. 

I find that,  when you have a thought that is difficult to process,  difficult to explain. The easiest course of action is to simply let things flow and let things happen.  It always seems to work beneficially.  So just be,  and it will be fine in the long run. 

fears of failure

     As the saying goes,  " The only thing to fear, is fear itself ".

     For decade's,  fear has silently stalked my every move.  Ready to pounce.

    Oftentimes I charge into the battle, head first.  Screaming blood curdling battle songs . Filled with anguish,  anger,  and sadness.  

Recently,  I am blessed that I found my Valkyrie.  My lilliputian. My little bear.  

I feel happy for the first time in years.  This makes me happy to be sal-Bjorn.  The savior bear. 

So thank you again little bear.  Thank you again. 

The Darkest days of. .....

I have lived through my worst fears coming to fruition in front of me. I have lost more than most people who are twice my age.  I have held those who I cared most about, as they gasped their last breath.  I have been within inches of losing my life. I have calmed beasts whom were ripping each other apart. I have broken my own heart and mind in a single moment.  I have witnessed the destruction of people who were truly trusting me, and my decisions. I have watched my body slowly,  yet inevitably eat itself.  All of these things define... 

Me

How could they

For years I tried to help people, and for what? The thought I was going to make other people see beyond my disease. That I was going to be able to get past this idea that I am less than human because I can't do things like everyone else?

I have felt sub human for a long time, and I am tired of being treated like that.

Isn't that prejudiced and mind bogglingly stupid?

Heat

I am a little bit hot blooded.  Not in the way that you inevitably think.  Just warmer than most people in the world today. Whenever I get my external temperature scanned.  It is oftentimes lower than average.  Yet internally,  I am constantly burning with the fire of a thousand thousand suns.  Many time's in lower than average temperatures,  I have walked around with no shirt on, and felt as though I was melting snow before it even came close to me; however,  I feel cool to the touch.  It's a strange feeling,  being so much like fire,  yet cool.  I guess that is a statement about me in this reality.  

Burning with the passion of a thousand thousand suns,  yet calm cool and collected. 

I've been through hell , that's all I know.

    This world has never been kind to me.  Truly I have been through hell numerous times.  All I know, is a pain that has followed me every day.

   

I put myself in many different situations.  All trying to find a way to avoid it.  Whenever I believe that I am doing something right.  I am reminded that I am not.  

I have gotten through so much internal pain.  It's easily a  remiinder that I deserve to be ripped apart. That I deserve to feel pain,  because I should have known better. 

Kharma means action.  And my actions have lead me exactly where I belong.  My actions caused this. My actions lead me exactly where I am. 

the best of times

Today I am going to type a missive directly from my heart. 

For the first time,  for many reasons,  I am feeling blessed and grateful.  Not for anything,  not for anyone else.  Just because. l am able to live and thrive in the skin I'm in.

I'm in completely alien territory. I'm completely off world.  Floating in space. Grinning from ear to ear. 

This grin  has been on a bit of a hibernation. 

Do you know why I am both in alien territory,  yet happy?

Because I have found someone who makes my heart happy.  Who makes my life better 

 Who knows how I am. Who knows what I have experienced.  To that, I say this.  

Thank you little bear.  I love you. 

I want to do this right

There are times in life when a person is unable to do anything to make a difference. Unable to go anywhere but spin tires in the mud. Often Times, being stuck is a choice, not a happenstance. 

Truthfully, I have been in the rut before. 

For a decade of squandered time. 

Honestly, it seems that I may have fallen into a rut again. The hope that love was true Again, tainted.

What is so difficult , is how I was blind sided. 

Perhaps, 2016 glen had it right. Perhaps I don't really deserve anyone who loves me unconditionally. Perhaps I will never find anyone willing to fight for me. 

Perhaps, I was plain stupid for simply being me, as 40 years of being me lead to a twisting path of pain. 

I really don't know. 

wish

I wish I didn't struggle every second of every day.

  I wish that my ailment didn't define me.  

I wish that my body was not a huge battlefield. 

I wish that my knee jerk response was not a fight or flight response.

 I wish I could be better than I am.

 I wish I could turn off my emotions. 

 I wish that I had more to offer anyone,  more than just me. 

And above all else.  I wish that everything was better for everyone.  Even if it is not because of anything that I did. 

is it wrong of me to feel like a sacrafical lamb?

I have been deemed an essential worker since this crap hit. What does that even mean?

My job is an essential commodity.  I am required to keep the gears spinning.  Where I am.  I'm extremely well trained and knowledgeable.  I have, honestly,  been working with all levels of fuel since I was 18.  So it makes sense,  why I do what I do. 

     When it's all said and done.  Most people I meet are grateful for my being there. Yet on a few occasions,  a person appears who is mean,  and plain angry. 

It makes me feel unappreciated. Makes me feel like a lamb walking to the slaughterhouse. Wearing my mask. Washing my hands and face religiously.  Until my skin is chapped and worn.  Emphatically disinfecting common touch areas. 

All while Trying not to fall,  as high pollen counts mean extra inflammation in an already ailing body.  Keeping knowledge safely tucked into my mental lockbox.       

     

Looking at myself in the mirror,  I swear that at times  blood is dripping from my smile. Not because I am afflicted,  but because of a dying capitalist system.  That truly needs to go.

Suck it up Yerger,  suck it up and drive on. 

for a long time

For a long time, I thought that love was a fairy tale. That scientifically proven facts about chemicals and enzymatic processes defined what love truly was.

I had given up on humanistic thoughts. Given up on the ability to touch someone. Given up on actually being heard. Given up on anything else, but me.

I was woken up. Slapped in the face. Shaken to the core.


It is my wish, and my hope that this is a true feeling. That the dream does not turn into nightmare

dreams of flying

I have often had vivid dreams. Dreams of flying. Dreams of surveying life from a high viewpoint. Flitting around, as I envision a hummingbird does. With wingless flight, complete and powerful movements. Never second guessing my movements.

Sometimes, I fly over past locations that bring back memories. Memories of pain. Memories of sadness. Memories of guilt. Memories of unending grief.


In these dreams. Times meld. Feelings coalesce. I fly through moments, recalibrate. Return to flight.

I feel at ease during those dreams. As if I finally am back home.

Then I wake up, and instantly feel the weight of reality. Tears flow. I remember the dreams. And my mind quickly begins placing a haze over those memories.

I roll over in my bed. Sit up. Blow my nose. Silently wipe away the tears.

It's true, my brain is my worst enemy.

Possession

The facsimile definition of love.

 This is a common problem that rears it's evil head in a fashion that  is uncaring and invisible. It is what makes so many relationships fail in the world today. 

    When asked about how their relationships lasted a long time. Many old timers would Express that they came from a time,  where instead of throwing things, that are broken , away.  They fixed them.

     Be sure that when you say that you love someone you mean it completely,  and not out of a misguided sense of ownership.

   I hope that this thought is heard through the ages. That it makes sense. That when read,  it does echo through the minds of many people.  For decades to come.