I often find it difficult to share my thoughts

I'll admit. I am often fearful. Not because I fear pain or any physical harm. I am afraid that damage to my heart would destroy my soul. Something that I have tried to repair over time. My damaged soul. Ripped, and shredded. I understand that I am extremely sensitive and often seem very needy. With that being said, I open up only to specific and a special kind of person. Why , is it seemingly easy to just replace me? I mean, sure. I'm difficult to understand. So unique that it is extremely scary to open up to me. 

What's a glen to do.

It is my hope

     That my positivity counteracts my seemingly negative feelings. Those who know me, understand that I am always brimming with positivity. Yet I barely ever smile,  and I have a deep and dark history. 

    There's so much involved with glen.  A million million reasons why I am not the easiest person to understand.  The easiest to handle.

    

     Frankly,  I don't open up completely for many people.  Those, who I do open up to,  are obviously special.  Recently,  I have begun to open up to a very special woman.  I hope that my torrid history and past experiences don't overwhelm. 

     Whenever it's all said and done,  the best way I can explain my life? With a simple,  somber smile.  As I am simply me.  Love me,  or hate me. 

Living in a state of internal fear is weighing in me

I've been stuck in a position in this life of complete internal fear. This mindset is alien to me, and yet here i am. I fear no physical problems,  no assailant,  and no person on this earth. The worst, in that regard, has happened, before ; however,  not knowing where,  or if more bad luck is popping up tomorrow,  eats me daily. I'm  not sure how i can fix it.

Moving forward. ......always forward.

Anything

Another


This is another case of harsh realization. The love I yearned for has quite literally fallen in my lap. I feel liberated and happy.

Unfortunately, that happiness is tainted. Tainted by my misgivings. Tainted by something that will always be there. This monster has taken more from me, and continues to take more and more.

My energy. My genuine smile. My sanity. Hell, even my body.

It is uncaring and completely chaotic. Some days it feels like giving me a false impression of moving normally. Only pounce when I move. I swear, that at times, I can hear a maniacal laughter. Whenever I envision this monster. I think of a typical, moustached super villain. Bowler cap and all.

I guess I need to be more of a superhero to defeat him.

Eternal sadness

Is it the human condition?
If you let it be.

As a human, we have the right,
No, the gift, of choice.

We can wallow in the depths
Of our self Imposed suffering.

Reminisce on the things that happened yesterday. Analyze every step we took.

Make the mental leap between having a sharp intelligence.  Maybe even trying to dull our senses using external forces. 

Or we can choose to be thankful for the right now.
For being able to experience the life we have.  

But that's the rub,  isn't it?

As humans we often find ourselves addicted to sadness and despair.  

Not because we enjoy the way it feels.  But because the chemically induced solace has become something that we know. 

So we hope and pray that we are going on the right path.  Even if it is the less traveled. 

for a long time

I have been struggling. struggling to understand. Struggling to feel better. Struggling To be the person that I used to be. Struggling to be the best version of me.
This past weekend was a huge wakeup call. I enjoyed seeing everyone who attended the event, yet I felt as though I was more of a liability than a helper. I guess that my definition of my affliction being akin to entropy is painfully true. And you're damn right. I'm bitter about my affliction. Did I do something so horrible, that I deserve to be punished by the universe? I guess I did something that cosmically made me into target. But oh well. No use crying over spilt milk. 

Time

It's funny,  isn't it? It? One day,  you can look at things as they transpire.  The next,  perspective has changed.

       It really is a funny happenstance.  How things can change at the bat of an eye.  Long term plans can be long term battles. Long term battles can become short term occurrences.  

Now,  I'm not saying that there is anything else you can do.  Just that we all see these things, yet we rarely expect them. 

All I can say is, huh....

surveying life

Have you ever sat and surveyed your life? Looked at your every step. Every stumble? Every trip?

I have.

I Meticulously segmented. I Equated every misinterpretation. Mathematically disassembled every movement. Dissected Every reaction. Quantitatively disassembling every breath.

Yet when it's all said and done. The murky water clears. The sediment of life filters to the bottom of the pond.


When the current subsides, the waters clear.



There's always me. Floating, unable to breathe. Unable to swim, only tread water.

This world

     It's funny. 

     Perspectives morph, multiple mutations.  People morph.  Thoughts change.  The definition of I,  opposed to we.

      Thinking is swayed.  People think that they are spoonfed the truth. Yet it is simply different shades of personal,  and private perspective. 

      Whenever a person who always speaks the truth,  is confronted with the facts. It makes the humanity of those you meet, clear and present. 

    What is a man to say or do?Especially when suffering in silence is a considerable and easy response. Hell,  opening the flood gates of years of inner trauma and strife is too.

Whenever the thought process is done.  The choice is prevalent. 

Live for now.  Don't worry. Plan for tomorrow.  Remember yesterday. Just live. 

Breathe. 

In essence

It's funny when things actually work out. Not funny,  jokingly,  but funny in essence.  The funny thing is,  it's a common thought that is generally known. Often disregarded.  Yet known in general. 

    The ever evolving saga of glen changes every moment.  Not only does it evolve,  it mutates into an entirely new path. This mutation,  evolution,  is a new path. One that is scary,  that is full of pitfalls.  However,  in essence,  it is worthwhile. 

I'm alone, but not lonely

    In times like this,  reaching for a connection is paramount. Walking into my house,  hearing the silence of the world today.  Listening to the sound of water droplets plinking onto the windshield. It is evident that The world has been shut off for now.  My brain,still running like a well oiled machine.  Times long gone,  gone but definitely not forgotten. A family torn asunder,  as is the common experience of this reality. Hopping for a better day,  a better way for everyone.  False positives,  false hope.  Craving connection,  as I lock my door behind me. Perhaps,  that is a precursor, for the night tonight.  Perhaps,  for the entirety of the new normal that confronts us all.

 

my escape from insanity

The thin line between sanity and insanity has always been a barrier which I have straddled.  One leg in, one leg out.  Sometimes,  both sides equally embraced.  For good or bad. 

This seesaw has often seemed playful.  My feet touching the ground,  and then floating through space.  Both feet dangling in the nether. 

These feelings , enflamed by emotions,  and unfathomable thoughts.  History flooding through my internal mindscape. Affecting my body,  and my mind.  

   The loss of my son, commingled with happy and pleasant memories of places he was able to witness.  His little eyes,  sparkling in wonderment.  Yet the dark,  despondent look the day he left,  his spark forever floating away. 

       The memories of a father whom hugged me,  and then the statuesque figure which was unable to , or just couldn't respond. Comingling with the man, whom taught me how to climb a tree with a climbing tree stand. Melded with carp being pulled from the river in the middle of night. 

     These thoughts , these feelings,  these memories.  Slowly pressing me towards insanity.  

I'm back

The time for honesty.  

The term fine has become paramount in my every day life.  FUCKED UP,  INSANE, NEUROTIC, EMOTIONAL. 

Those terms,  really do explain how I am. Even more than ever.

At the beginning of march,  I was surprised with the death of my father. 

A man who I was doing everything I could to repair a life long failure at a relationship.  We had become close in the weeks before he left us.   I wrote a small letter about him,  and to him.

     Dad.

For a long time, I thought about what I should say. I mean, how do you define a man who has done more for you, and all of us, Than can be defined.

My dad, 

 We had begun to grow closer than before, in the year before he left us. In all honesty, I came back to the area, because I had almost lost him beforehand, because of his aneurysm.

My dad, 

     I watched from afar, hating that I was unable to help then. Feeling as helpless as a newborn child. Yet it honestly wasn't the first time I unknowingly nearly lost him.

My dad, 

 He taught me new things, every time we talked. From car care, to family care. Taught me how to ride a bicycle, how to drive a manual transmission vehicle. Taught me how to hunt, how to fish. How to Cape a deer. How to field dress any animal I ever hunted. How to bowfish.  How to fish with a rod. 

My dad.  

    A man who was the greatest man I knew.  A leader,  teacher,  friend, and confidant.  A man who gave me the confidence to face any situation with confidence. and strength.  Who often got angry at me for various reasons.  Yet after the initial rush of anger, would sit you down,  and get to the root of why you did what you did. 

My dad. 

   When I was confronted with the reality of a life without him, the first day he was in the ICU intubated and non responsive.  I snapped inside.  However can I face the day.  Without him to back me up? The man who was always a rock. the guy who gave me the strength to go on after my son passed.  After his mother,  after his father.  Who always cried in private,  yet cried nonetheless. 

My dad.

At the end of the day,  I hope that he knows how much I loved him.  How hard it is to say goodbye. How hard it is to face the days without him there. And how deep the pain I feel for his loss. 

My dad.

I love you dad, until we meet again.