Self reflection

Who am I? I'm Glendon David Yerger.  

A person who has seen so much beauty in this world.  Unfortunately,  it has often been tainted by a seething and malevolent darkness that surrounds me. 

I am a kind and caring person who gives everything I can,  helps whoever I can. I guess,  in the hope that it will counteract the horrible things that happen.  

I am not exactly what I want to be in this world.  I have tried to make my way often.  Change up what I am doing 

 What I am trying to become.  Unfortunately,  it doesn't work that way.  As logic and emotion fight tooth and nail often. 

 I have had so much pain in my mind and body since I was first able to walk. 

I have had so much potential since I was quite young. 

When I love,  I love completely and without question. Without judgement and without prejudice. 

Whenever I sit and reflect on how much that makes me, me.  I often find that I am trying too hard and not simply letting myself live.  How can I change that? I really don't know. 

Change

It's guaranteed that the only constant in this reality is just that,  change.  As it's the only constant in reality,  I often wonder if I truly can adapt and overcome the situation. At the end of the day.  All I truly do is siuado. Hope that everything works out exactly how I hope that it will.  It truly weighs on me every day.  All of the time. So, here's to hoping. 

Realization

I have begun to realize that I over accentuate the way my emotions show themselves.  I have begun to realize just how Little I truly think of myself.  The more that I watch and listen to my every day life.  I have to truly accept the unacceptable.  Adapt,  overcome and grow. 

These words are etched into my every day thoughts.  My every day life. 

I have also realized just how lost I have truly become.  How overtly despondent I have become.  Even though it is not shown on a surface level. 

Does that make me lonelier than I usually am? I believe so. 

Abandoned

For all too long,  I have struggled to be happy.  I pay no attention to my mental lockbox and rarely listen to the screaming it does  .

Yet the truth is,  I often feel extremely self conscious and worrisome.  It has always been my experience that no matter what, as soon as I find a family,  as soon as I begin to let things closely in. They are gone. 

No matter how hard I try.  No matter how much I protect anyone,  the inevitable happens. 

All I can do is try not to be upset. Accept everything that happens.  Widely embrace the potential of the loss. Try not to let it bog me down. 

Panic

I have this horrible tendency. The tendency comes in waves,  crashing through my thoughts.  Just like a tsunami. 

As soon as I feel even a tiny bit of happiness.  I am overcome with a foreboding feeling of panic.  

This panic comes from a deep feeling of guilt.  Guilt from the things that I have seen.  Guilt from the people who I have been unable to help.  Guilt from the time I squandered. Guilt from being filled with such potential, and letting it slip easily away. 

When I think about this, I have come to a point of realization.  I realized being so open to everything in the world,  So focused and detail oriented,  has not only let the light of all that I see into my life,  it also comes partnered with darkness. 

After realizing this,  I realized that although I know that I need to continue on the path less traveled.  I also just need to live to the best of my ability. 

Time is irrelevant

Days pass. Weeks rush by. Months disappear. 

Time moves forward, always forward. Yet, amazingly enough, I feel like the same person I always was.

I guess this is the human conundrum. To always be consciously aware of everything around you, yet focused on the way it passes by. Afterall, In a second from now, I will be living in the past.  

confusing

I am often confused.  Confused by changes in actions.  Confused by lacks of communication.  Confused by those who appear to have made decisions about things that affect me. Confused by emotions that scream,  even though words are not being said. Confused by everything that happens in my mind,  and around me. 

I suppose I need to simply stop overreacting and overthinking. 

changes

The most important thing about this universe   is that everything is guaranteed to change. I watch as an amazing situation changes often. It grows and evolves. 

 I don't understand how it does. Yet it never stays the same. 

For the logically present moment,  and for a person like me.  I often try to  understand it Yet i end up confused 

Today

I have been struggling with my feelings and thoughts.  I am trying to understand why I feel passed over.  When everyone says that I should reach out.  Yet when I do,  it's to dead air response.  

I find the easiest way, to in essence,  hide behind my smile.  Hide my disappointment with a societal dilemma.  A huge gaping hole in the world we live in.  

collateral damage

Sitting here,  at the bow of my boat.  Staring at the horizon.  Hoping that the storm will pass,  even though there's no sign of a storm at all.

Is it insecurities? Maybe it is bad luck showing it's signs.  I truly hope that it's just in my head. 

Hopefully it isn't me just being my name sake. Collateral damage. 

The crushing weight of paradise

For as long as I have existed. I have been searching.  Searching for something,  someone,  that may not exist. I believe that I have found someone who is everything that I have ever wanted.  Someone who has made me feel happy.  Who knows everything about me,  and still comes back for me.  In dante's divine comedy,  it was eluded to a very difficult situation that confronts us all. The sad truth about your paradise which may not be my paradise. 

So, with a smile and open heart,  I confronted each peril and keep my eyes focused on everything in front of me. 

Hello darkness

Quiet.  Pulsating.  And surrounding me.  I don't know what it is.  Why it has a tendency to dip into my mind often. At first I simply feel a deep sense of dread.  Crazy dreams.  Sleep is never restful. 

Then I notice my inward sadness,  beginning to slowly, but surely, peek out.  

I often notice it after the tornado has subsided.  Other time's,  I am able to stave it off. 

This darkness has followed me for as long as I have been alive.  And sadly I don't know if there's anything that can be done 

what can I do?

As an essential worker.  It truly makes me question the powers that be. While a country is ripping itself apart.  I didn't complain.  While our economy took a drastic downturn.  I was silent.  While members of the Congress and the Senate are on recess. I just shook my head. 

I see a grand (used to be) government being run into the dust because of greed.  Because of partisan politics. Because  of Administrators posing as leaders.

So what am I to do or say?

Did you ever...

Did you ever feel like a storm is on the horizon? Even though everything leads to beliefs that it is going to be smooth sailing.  The sea of life has been calm for the time being. Yet my eyes are focused upon the horizon.  Hoping that the hurricane of potential will not surge onto me.  

As the sails lead me,  I shall float on. Always hoping that the sea of life will not drag me away. 

enough

When I sit back and watch the world turn.  I realize one thing.  For someone always there. For someone who makes me laugh until tears roll down my face.  For someone who always has my best interest at heart. For someone who is truly my other half. 

For aimee;   I am truly more than enough. 

I hope that I am enough for her.  

emotions versus logic

Every day I am reminded of why humanity is still in the dark ages of life. 

Emotions rule everyone's thoughts. 

Emotionally acting out due to a temporary emotional feeling.  Illogicality rules every moment.  

Acting because of the way options feel.  Not because of the way they are.  

Please wake up humanity.  Please stop dismissing your locality. 

The worst facsimile

When I watch the world around me. I see the people move throughout their standard actions. 

They jog.   They jump.  They browse stores.  They go wherever and whenever they like. 

I'm happy for them.  Yet I quickly realized something.  For all of the things I do 

 No matter how much I try.  My life is never ever going to be traditional. 

I fall whenever I walk 

 I have no physical core strength. 

I have no balance. 

A veritable list of a million things that confront me. 

Due to that. I realize that my life is a cruel facsimile of living. 

For all too long

I have been sitting in a holding pattern.  Going through regularly designed activities.  Getting awake at a specific time.  Showering like clockwork.  Eating the same foods.  Listening to the same music. 

Not sure if it's a disdain for change in general.  Or just that I feel different from the majority of things in my life. 

Either way,  I am trying to embrace the new.  Embrace what may be.  Do everything I can to enjoy this portion of my life story .

Unique

Being unique is quite a daunting experience.  I have tried to look at it as a positive note in my life long story.  Yet I often truly believe that the word unique,  simply means alone. 

I am not as alone as I have been 

 Yet I am still in essence,  alone. 

I truly hope that I am able to finish the last few laps of this marathon. 

Life is a balancing act.

If that saying is true,  what is someone supposed to do if they have no center of balance?

With all of the trials I have overcome , and still do overcome on a daily basis , I find it harder and harder to care anymore. My heart is big, my caring and comforting side second to none. But I still feel lost without the love of my life. The problem is,  I am not there.  I try and try to find an easy way to make sure that I am making up for past mistakes.  Yet I still feel stifled by my own actions. 

I go about my daily routines,  attempting to find solace in menial tasks. Sadly,  that kills me. No simple path to make life bearable. Always the path less traveled.  Enough to make my head spin , around the sun in a semi elliptical pattern. ...the story of my life

self reflection

When zarek left, all those years ago, I sat and thought for weeks on end. Who caused his death. Who can I be angry with. Who did something so incorrectly.  

Unfortunately, the answer was , no one. It simply happened. I struggled with words that I heard. Angry thoughts that were sent to me. People who were never really there, deciding that I must have done something wrong. That it was my fault. That I screwed everything up.  

For a long time. I tried to process those angry words. These vitrious mean, and spiteful thoughts. 

I began to believe that I had ruined things. That it was all me. 

Even after years. I still somedays believe those words. Those spiteful and ignorant words that were targeted at me. 

I sometimes fall back into those feelings. Fall back into those thoughts.  

Yet when it comes to it, I am not at fault. I did nothing but be as good at fatherhood as I could.

And so I am in a fashion. grieving still.

So, if you see me staring into space. Just know that I am trying my damnedest to quell the pain and silence my demons. 

Heraphadous (Herophilos) of CalcedonFather of anatomy .

Ancient greece, bc third century (3rd)
This ancient Greek has always intrigued me. He quite literally became so curious about the human body. So interested in what every human being was about. Yet even though he meticulously researched the body, he didn't ever show interest in more.


Regardless, I don't know if he ever wrote a book about the human condition.

I think that it is interesting that a man who publicly dissected human bodies. He never thought that he could learn so much more from one simple thing. Simply asking questions is a start.

I guess at the end of the day, his exploration and research laid the roots of modern medicine. Even though he was obviously simply putting on a public show. In order to make a bit more coin. 

Some are fighters , some are not .

You really can't tell who is who. Until the battle starts.

As I've been deeply entrenched my whole life.

All know is battle. Battle to walk. Battle to stand up. Battle to be the best version of myself.

No remorse
No alternating circumstances.
No peace.

Especially no regrets. 

Siuado Yerger

It's an epic story.

Guy is treated with utmost disdain for a majority of his life. Falls hard for a woman who is well above his pay grade. Fights very hard with himself, to not fall through blaring cracks and creases in his daily life. Internally argues with himself, as he doesn't feel worthy to be with the other.

It's a mental quandary. One without a true answer. One that is completely impossible to fathom. Siuado Yerger, siuado