Why do I find solace in the past.

I have been told that I focus on the past too much , and that I don't give room for the present, and or future. This is true, but I was never asked why.

It is because I am afraid of the future,  and deeply internally angry with the present,  and humans as a whole.
The future,  I look at with utter and complete fear.  I know that my health is an exercise in entropy.  With no exact definition of when it will remove another part of me. Yet it is guaranteed to do so. And so in my head,  I calculate every second of every day.  The variables are undefined and oftentimes interchangeable, but variables none the less.
So I begin to realize that I am suffering from quantum entanglement,  and yet it made me who I am today. And I cannot change it,  nor would I.

As for my utter disdain for the present,  people.  People are worse than any virus,  and equally as unforgiving and destructive.  No matter how much I try to help,  put my best foot forward,  do unto others as I want to be done to me, I am reminded of the folly in attempting to do so. Capitalism,  communism,  Christian,  Muslim,  Buddhist,  monk,  priest, nun,  pastor,  preacher.  Every single one of them,  are wrong.  Everything is upside down,  and i cannot do a damn thing to help.  So, in typical Glen fashion,  I get angrier and angrier,  which in turn makes me sadder and sadder.

What do you think?

Life is an immense trigonometric,  algebraic evaluation system,  coupled with an answerable equation. The variables are , well,  variable; undefined and oftentimes interchangeable. Many times,  people think that is dark,  and painfully accepted. Here's the thing.  I find beauty in that which is dark and usually unwanted. And sadly,  it is oftentimes unacceptable.

The meaning

Not a joke,  not a quip about what good is life,  or the answer too life, the universe,  and everything.
I struggle so much with internalized,  silent and pervading sadness.  So much, that it has affected many people near me. But why? I'm not exactly sure if I am as important as seems, why not simply tell me? I'm not talking about the past, or what has been said before.  I'm talking about showing me right now.

El mejor permanencier en silencio

I'm not exactly very important.  I'm not exactly pleasant.  I'm not exactly as smart as people think.  And my reaction is to wall in even more.  But when it is all said and done, I'm hurting. For many many reasons.

Stop

Stop everything that you are trying to do. Listen.  Close your eyes if you need to. Just listen.  The millions of tiny fragments of sound,  are the symphony of life. The wind rustling through the trees, the birds singing, the rabbit rustling through the underbrush. All of these thing's combine in a nearly symphonic dance,  that all too long has gone ignored. This is sad, and I wish I could help others hear the beauty in the sonnets of life.

Maybe that is what I am supposed to be

The external bystander,  who watches, and tabulates,  and tries to understand . Not fit in but perpetually be a bystander. Many times I have thought that I fit in, but I was very very wrong.

The world gets smaller

In days long past, the world seemed to be dauntingly huge. As the days turned to weeks, and the weeks too months, I look back at the world,  and cry. How much has transpired in a relatively short period of time,  and I am still the same shy, angst ridden, guy, who has donned a million masks, just to fit in. And still I struggle.  Not because I don't understand. Maybe that is the issue, I think I understand too much, think I know too many people and things. But I don't know a damn thing.

Once again

I am stuck in a holding pattern. Am I forever destined to be a man permanently stuck in that whirlpool. always be stuck in a
Permanent whirlwind, and always be the ship passing in the night? Just sitting on the edge of the horizon,  and floating where the tides take me? Why is safe harbor,  just out of reach?

Regrets

Everything that I have done, made me who I am today.  For better, or worse. Yet for some reason,  I struggle.  Regrets, what ifs, questions, and screams of oversthinking, due to insecurities.  I often find myself stuck on small details, that most other people do not pay attention too. The more I struggle, the more I feel like a turtle stuck on his back. I try to right myself. No luck.  All of these thing's,  lead to one specific thing.  Why? Is there something wrong with me?

Quality of life

Is a term that I'm sure most other people who are diagnosed with MS understand all too well.
I feel that it is an utter and complete lie. I am still plugging away,  trying to fix the problem,  and turn my self destructive immune system back to normal.
As we are discussing lies, why does my mind keep thinking about all of the lies and loss I've endured over the years, and in turn paints them to be truth.  I wish I could figure out what and why.

Confessions of a jealous cynical man

I'm cynical,  I'm jealous,  I often feel passed over, and my thoughts are a veritable whirlwind. My health has been slowly getting worse. Entropy to be sure. People that I gave my best years too, have walked away. Fluid thoughts enter my brain , and I feel forgotten. People that I thought of as family. Sadly,  they were nothing more than ships passing in the night. Do those people still think about me? I don't know. Have they already written me off,  once again,  I don't know.
There are day's that I want to do nothing more than climb into my imaginary shell,  and float away in the ocean. More so recently than Usual. Why? I don't know.

I forget

I forget more than I remember correctly anymore , and it is frustrating. The pace of my life has been akin to a rollercoaster. And yet in actuality,  I seemingly stand still. Thoughts of the distant past and not so distant past, seem t o swirl in and out of focus,  and I don't know why. Maybe it is the high pollen counts recently, maybe I have finally flipped my lid. I don't know.

Slow and steady

My meticulous planning and turtle actions have been once again questioned.  People often hate that which is misunderstood,  and I understand that.  It sure as hell doesn't make thing's easier

The world is small

As some of you may know,  I have been struggling with existentialism recently. At random Times,  thoughts of where I have been,  and what I have experienced cloud my mind.  Making it nearly impossible to focus. I don't know why,  what causes it to happen.

What I do know. Is that it is extremely tiring.
This is a problem,  as I barely sleep as it is.

I think I figured something out.

Scientists have studied and found that vividly remembering a situation is the same as actually living the situation. Maybe that is why I get stuck on thinking about my son all of the time thinking about him sitting right next to me and laughing and smiling in his goofy silly way. It is the same as being with him every day. Maybe that is why I always think back and feel like I get stuck on that memory or many memories with him. Just food for thought.

Why

Everyone I meet seems to believe the worst of me,  and I don't know why. I feel predestined to never be with who I love. It was the past that reared up and bit me, and that makes me question everything that has happened.  It is a veritable mind fuck,  that a majority of the things that came to fruition,  I cannot remember,  nor change. That is the thought that has killed me for months now

Random memories invade my mind

Every day,  something will stir up an unwanted thought.  I don't know what triggers it, nor do I feel that it is somethingthat I want to think about.
I wish I knew what triggered the sadness, or the unfettered anger from the past. I would like to bury the memories of that time. I don't know it is possible

Some days are worse than others

Thoughts about the distant past,  and promises that I would always be there.
Promises and missives,  of me trying to wiggle my way into a life,  that was a fools errand.  I tried and tried to fit into this newfound life,  and for a time I was pleasantly oblivious.  Subconsciously,  I was screaming every second of every day.  And consciously I was smiles and happiness.
This chapter of my life was a story about a country boy who tried his best to make friends and fit in with people who I believed were family,  in a city of sadness.
I focus on the positive,  and the insurmountable amounts of negative,  negate it.