The weight of the world

It truly is on my shoulders. On a whim tonight, I decided to stop at my old turkey hill. Once again, I was in the right place at the right time.when I pulled in, I noticed one of my old regulars, sitting in front of the store sobbing. Apparently, her boyfriend of about a year had been hitting her. She had a small bruise under her right eye. I was livid, but all I could do was walk over to her, give her a big Glen hug, and sit with her. I'm not going to lie, I wanted to find the guy who had done this to her, and smash him. After calming her down, and with the help of one of the night shift workers getting the number for one of the local shelters, she walked back to her home to collect her daughter. It is my hope that by standing up and telling her that she is to damn smart, and too damn pretty to put up with that shit, that I helped in some way. I still feel like I should have done more, and destroyed this guy. But it truly was all I could do. I hope it was enough.

It has been a long road.

I have come to a point in my journey. Acceptance, but not happiness. I continue on the path set before me, dodging pitfalls, and booby traps. I have yet to kick this deeply entrenched sadness, not sure I ever will. But avy loves me, and I hope some day she will realize just what I did for the sake of that love. I was placed under pressure, and again i feel the anger rear its head. Why do I hate myself so much? That, dear readers, is a question I cannot answer. Just like so.many other questions that plague me daily....

I have come to a sad realization.

I'm sad. I'm lonely, and downright depressed. I try to look tough, and I often succeed. I've been putting on that show for so long ,l've become a master of disguise. Like it or not, things added up, and I'm nearly at my point of no return. Do I continue down this road, the one that is less traveled? Or do I veer off, change my life for the self fulfillment of my own agenda, and tell everyone to go pound sand. Damn hard decisions, and how I seem to be confronted by them constantly anymore. Perhaps I can sleep on it, and decide. Perhaps I will just wake up with more questions. The latter is what I am used to. But I can't change it, at all.

Yeah

Truth is, I am depressed. I'm technically homeless, living out of my car, under a roof, and with a place to shower only because friends are kind and understanding. I am working a crappy part time job, that isn't so part time, and the shifts are uncaring, unmerciful, and almost killing me. Trying to get myself an apartment, the right way, has lead to more jumping through hoops, and more red tape than a damn congressional meeting. Why do I do this to myself, you ask? For the love of a 6 year old little girl,  who I only hopes understands what her daddy went through for her sake at this time in her life. Only time will tell I guess.

It was a day.

Not good, not bad, just a day. It is interesting how things work out, even for those broken like me. I guess I'm not really that bad off, and frankly I'm happy I'm as tough as I am. I know this is only the beginning of my new journey, but it is a beginning. I'm not quite happy yet,  but I'm getting there. I'm to the point of acceptance, but acceptance of this situation is not a sign that I'm ok with it. It is what it is though, not a damn thing I can do to change it, but move forward. Namaste everyone.

Oh fun.

Today is supposed to be a day about love. I see so many people who are struggling with inner conflict, and broken hearts, that it truly makes me sad. A day that is supposed to be used as a show of complete love between two lovers, destroyed by selfishness, and the ever lasting search for something better. Material goods, flowers, card's, these are not the basis for the meaning of today. Reach out, hug the one you love, tell them how you feel. That is the meaning, not what the corporate nation wants you to think. Take my advice, love those that love you back. Keep the ones who care close to your heart, and never let them go. Happy Valentine's day.

Ya know

I'm glad you are happy in the complacent mediocre life you have. I know that you are just dandy with your life, and feel better when you know I feel like crap. I personally care less that you are doing everything that you want, and realize now the anger I feel is ok. You hurt me, in ways that I just don't care to mention. Have fun, I know I'm going to find happiness.

Wonderful situation

I have come to the realization I am not truly angry with her, I'm angry at the situation she has thrust me into. No remorse, absolutly no regard for anyone else involved, especially me. I am angry at her bi proxy, but not directly. As she keeps pushing, she wants me to break. I believe it is to make me out to be the bad guy, as an explanation for her actions. I am tougher than that and able to handle any thing with logical responses, and non confrontational poise. But still I feel pressed into a corner. I may bite, and snarl; however, I am not a dog waiting to pounce.
I am an intelligent human being. I hope that my intelligence will lead me through this trouble, and bring me out tempered on the other side.

Starting new

How is it that after all these years, I went from one end of the spectrum, to the other. I'm truly at an impasse right now, a crossroads between starting fresh, and staying stuck. A veritable cornucopia of feelings has crossed my psyche recently, and it is quite the rollercoaster ride. To those that I hurt, I ask for forgiveness, to those I scared, I apologize. To those that hurt me, I forgive you. Those that scared me, I forgive you. If that isn't good enough, oh well, can't say I didn't try.

Well great

So today was a wonderfully magical bullshit day. Things that should work out, end up going the opposite direction than they should. My car died, once again. This time right in the middle of the highway. I was once again stuck in a situation I didn't ask for, and feeling like I was being punished for it. What a wonderful life I live, and I push forward more and more. I was accepted to work a pt second shift job at turkey hill. Thats good news, and a step in the right direction. But then the crap of life follows me. It's like the universe is trying to talk to me, tell me I'm doing something wrong, what I do not know. But something.

Human companionship

I am an extremely social person. I truly want a companion, someone to share my journey with. I have my daughter, who truly is the love of my life. But, she is a love beyond what I am looking for. I would love to share my journey with my best friend, my lover, my companion. I don't know where, or who that is. I thought I knew, I was looking at the past. If she is out there, from the past, present, or future. I only hope she finds it in her heart to come forward.
To open up, and express to me that she needs me in her life as much as I need her. If you're out there, find me. I'm not hard to find, and I'm not easy to miss.

Alone

I have been feeling alone, even when surrounded by many friends and family. This feeling will not budge, and makes me a bit of an angry soul. Nothing can change that today, nothing will satiate my yearning for happiness. I went to zareks grave yesterday, and begged his forgiveness. I know he cannot respond, I know it wasn't truly my fault. But I cannot shake the feeling that it was. Being a perfectionist, and a gentleman, has me reeling, and I only wish I could change that.

What wonderful luck

I have this amazingly crappy case of terminal bad luck. Am I cursed? Perhaps. Am I just super unlucky, with no reason. Perhaps again. This state of life, unlucky in everything, is not how I want to live. Believe me, all I want is to be happy. I haven't truly been happy since February of 2002 when zarek left us. I tried very hard to find happiness, believe me I did. But it was always elusive, so I grasped at the past in the hope that it would help me find some peace of mind, some tiny inkling of true happiness. The past was not the answer, and good intentions lead to bad decisions. Bad decisions lead to deeper anguish, and struggling to find peace. So the cycle continued for years, and I was deep in an inner battle. Find happiness, dig deeper into the past, find none, get angry, depression sets in. This cycle ripples across the years, and I do my best to stave off anguished thoughts. True happiness seems a far journey, one that I cannot seem to find the strength to continue right now, but I slowly make my way.

Oh universe, you are a fickle mistress.

Today was an interesting day, to say the least. A part time job fell in my lap. I achieved a lot of planning, and work on bettering my life for my daughter's sake. If you would have told me I would do these things a month ago, I would have laughed at you.
But, here it is, life turning around, for whatever reason. I'm still sad, heart broken, and leary of many things. But, life goes on.

Helping hand.

I help alot, but I need to disregard the tendency to help at my own peril. It has been a long time problem of mine, and I want to stop. It may be my low self worth, which I am working on. Then again, it may just be that I have always gone out of my way to be selfless. I truly wish I knew. Anyone that wishes to enlighten me on their thoughts, would be greatly appreciated.

Anger, grief,depression, rinse and repeat.

I am too damn smart for my own good. I am in this never ending cycle of gut wrenching rage, realizing it won't help anything, and my brain shifting gears to grief and depression. The utter futility of it all is enough to drive me bat shit insane. Sure, I realize better things are coming, and I realize when they come my life will be unshrouded. But this faze of the transition hurts. And although I have very supportive friends and family, I still feel alone. Struggling with this great divide, really disgusts me. I am a great dad, sensitive, intelligent, and still able to realize that I am manly. Why in the hell is that causing issue, and forcing my hand to be angry and mean. I do not want to be angry all the time, but lately I cannot shake the fact that I am. Perpetually filled with rage, turned grief, and depression.

So angry I could cry

Have you ever been so angry you could cry?
That's my life anymore, and I am finished. When I get so angry that I want to rip someone's arms off, my conscience, and intelligence kicks in. I know that kind of violence wouldn't fix a damn thing, so my brain kicks in to the next emotion available, and my anger turns to grief. Instead of violently lashing out, I go deeper into depression. I feel I cannot truly rip someones arm off, it's not how I work, and I shut down. Truly, their is no fixing this, it is just who I am.
That red haze that covers my vision, fades ,and is replaced with the somber blackness of sadness, and self loathing. This is my daily battle, and it will never change. Take it or leave it, thats how it is.

I am depressed

I'm not going to lie, I'm so depressed and sad after the recent turn of events, that it hurts. I feel so alone, even when surrounded by many friends and smiling faces that it hurts. No one can understand my pain, even though I know others have lived through this. My life has always been complete sadness, and it hasn't gotten any better. I'm screwed, and forever alone at this point. After all, who wants a broken guy, with no real defining factors of benefit. It's how I feel, as stupid as it may seem.

After its all said and done

I can honestly say I only have a few wants. I
Want my daughter to grow up in a happy home, and turn into the beautiful young woman that I know she will. I want to be able to truly smile again, not the fake, scripted smile that I've practiced, and used for so long. I want to be happy with myself again, as I have grown to hate my body and mind as time has worn me down. Most of all, I want to feel complete again, and not like I am half of who and what I should be. I don't think these are terrible things to want, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to complete all of these goals, but I will never stop trying.

i'm not an expendable item..

Thinking back, I'm angry at myself. I should have seen the state of affairs as it was, and not deluded myself into thinking I was more in your eyes. Truth of the matter is, I'm not a tool you can throw away when you're done with me. I'm a human being, with feelings, wants, and needs. I feel used, thats a given; but I also feel angry that I was ,in fact, thrown away when my usefulness was complete. That hurts more than anything else, and frankly I'm not surprised.

Angry

I am angrily looking at the situation, and completely over stimulated. I tried so hard, for so long. In hindsight, why did i? A skewed sense of right, values, and honor? Perhaps, but truthfully, I'm not sure that was all. I think, perhaps, I became addicted to the complacency. I was happy with the mediocrity of the relationship, if I can call it that. It was a one sided relationship, I tried to make things work, but it was never good enough. I bowed to demands, just to keep the peace. Why in the hell did I not realize it before, thats a good question. I'm not sad anymore, just downright angry. Pissed off that the whims of one, out weighs the sanctity of marriage. Bullshit....

Restart

I am at a crossroads in my life, and I choose my path based on how my life changes. Should I try to continue down the road layed out before me, or take the long path which veers away from all that I hold dear. My choices dictate the well being of others, and are not truly my own, yet in the same breath, they are. It is funny how life can change so quickly, and thrust you in a direction that is foreign to you. I'm sensitive, that's a given, but I am still a man. Dominant at times, and angrily silent at others. The universe will put me on the correct path, it has to.

Heart ache

My heart is ripped in two. I remember all of our history, and tribulations, like it was yesterday. I see you in our daughter, and it hurts so much. I have cried so much over the past few weeks, a river could flow perpetually. My soul is screaming, pleading for some respite. It never comes, and un abated sorrow flows freely. How can I ever put my heart anywhere else, as it has truly been demolished. Although the saying, time heals all wounds, is generally true. My wounds never scarred, and still run red with the blood of our pain. So much history, so many shared experiences thrown away. I wish I was able to change this sadness into rage, but I do not have it in me to do that. I am absolutely demolished right now. And I only hope it will pass.

New day, new Glen

It has been a long, hard road. Many things have happened over the years, and many know the great lengths I have gone to make you happy. I often failed, but stubbornly continued to try. Years passed, time healed no wounds, and nothing changed. I tried harder than ever, but you were not in a place to accept. To the last breath, I tried. The last seconds I did all I could. No respite, no willingness to meet halfway. I move forward from here. Saddened, truly heart broken, and ever questioning the path you have chosen. Have a happy life, I know I will.

What

I do not understand, actions that scream something is wrong, but words that say otherwise. Feelings that I did wrong, but a heart that tells me the exact opposite. Unyielding remorse, coupled with questions that refuse to be answered, is driving me mad. I wish I could get a word, a thought, an inkling of ability to feel something, but that is non existent.

Vindictive

Thats how I feel, angry and vindictive. I keep reminding myself that I'm better than that, but I am only human. I could curse, scream, yell, or become a mean person. I'm better than that. I know I am. Moving forward, but at a snail's pace. The cold embrace of sadness, and the fire of anger will temper me. I will transmute from the copper I am, too a slab of folded steel. It is not good enough, no it is not.

Torn asunder

My heart has been torn out, stepped on, and at times feels the cold embrace of loneliness. I keep moving forward, and I will not stop; but I know the questions that I utter are justifiable. Starting fresh, a daunting and completely unexpected turn of events, has truly set me on edge. I do my best not to be down on myself; but uncaring words make me unwavering, and relentless in my pursuit of answers. Is it the right way, or the stupid way, this I do not know. No one has the answer, no one can change all that has transpired. Heed my advice, especially in regard to mistakes I have made. Never try more than a person who has made up their mind already.

My theme song anymore

Am I that bad?

Why torment me, when I only tried to hard, and cared too much? The action I see, and the pain I have felt are a constant reminder, and I am glad you showed me the truth. I am just at a loss, I have no clue why or what. I am sick, that isn't my fault. If you are trying to make me cave, that long left as a possibility.

No more

Sadness subsides. Yet confusion still keeps me guessing. My mind plays tricks, that is a given. Games are played, and I wasn't given the rules. A lot of hurt was caused, both to me, and by me. I can, and will, take care of myself; but I am still in the great circle of unknowing. A lot of thing's need to be aired out, and said before any movement can be made.

Intent

I am still trying to figure out intent, to look for closure or worse.I know when my life changed, but what about you? No more anger or sadness, extreme confusion. I will move forward, I must.

Trying

I'm trying to understand. Trying to make sense of things that truly do not make sense to me. Values seem skewed, and oh so wrong. I know what I know, and I never moved past not knowing. I'm sad, that is a given. But why can't I move past all of this, move forward in a non angry, confrontational manner. It's true I strive on stress, but matters of the heart, that is what I cannot cope with.

It is true

I'm not going to lie. I am sad, angry, and shocked. Be that as it may, I can say I see hope, and truly thats all I can ask for. I could easily have given in to being a bump on a log, sure. What would that accomplish. Absolutely nothing, I know that for a fact. Brighter tomorrow, I hope so. I still have a long row to hoe, but I will endure.

Self assessment

I have been posting these on a daily basis, in order to find some solace. Some peace of mind.

I care entirely too much. I do things that seem strange, and almost crazy to most. When I am confronted with a situation, that I do not understand, I shut down. I struggle from a lack of inner peace, and in the same breath I do not feel as though I'm worthy of inner peace, even if I found it. And here I stand, struggling to move  in a way that is beneficial to everyone, while trying to focus on myself. The two seem currently unattainable, and gut wrenchingly painful. I miss many people, but struggle even more with attempting to understand an unforgiving variable.

Well

I need to stop, I need to go too. Contradictory, emotion driven, question laden days. Dreams,  as seldom as they come anymore, are complex, and angst filled. Leave it too me to try to hard, but feel as though I didn't try hard enough. Keep on, keeping on.

My life is an open book.

My life is an open book.

 

I share my story with everyone, but why. Why am i always so compelled to share my innermost thoughts and feelings without thinking, no one wants to hear? I make mistakes; I profess what I have done. I am my own worst enemy, and yet my own biggest fan. Contradictory.

 

I share my story with everyone, but why. Why am i always so compelled to share my innermost thoughts and feelings without thinking, no one wants to hear? I make mistakes; I profess what I have done. I am my own worst enemy, and yet my own biggest fan. Contradictory as it seems, it is all I know. Mountains seem like mole hills, molehills seemingly mountains. Yet I still struggle with an insurmountable inner conflict ; the world, and myself. I do what is right and honorable in my eyes. But still feel conflicted as to whether or not it was the correct course of action. I am an emotionally driven animal, often too a fault. I struggle with an inability to not accept things i cannot control. I have always had high expectations for my life, and quickly fall into despair when those expectations are not met. What is so different about me, and why do i not truly know myself? These are all questions that only I can answer. And although i question them all on a daily basis, the answer is elusive and possibly nonexistent.

 I know. 

Mountains seem like mole hills, molehills seemingly mountains. Yet I still struggle with an insurmountable inner conflict ; the world, and myself. I do what is right and honorable in my eyes. But still feel conflicted as to whether or not it was the correct course of action. I am an emotionally driven animal, often too a fault. I struggle with an inability to not accept things i cannot control. I have always had high expectations for my life, and quickly fall into despair when those expectations are not met. What is so different about me, and why do i not truly know myself? These are all questions that only I can answer. And although i question them all on a daily basis, the answer is elusive and possibly nonexistent.