I am, therefore I do.

Why do I consistently put myself in positions that are misinterpreted.  My knee jerk belief is that I am perpetually alone,  even when surrounded by a multitude of people. I have been alone since I was first conceived,  and I will be alone the day when I move to the next level. I try to help other people understand that my plight,  although similar to others,  is different from anything else.

Thoughts

Historically,  this month has been tough for me.  My son was born at the beginning of October, and Halloween, that used to be my favorite holiday season, was soured for numerous reasons.  I finally have the love of my life,  and I couldn't be happier,  but being a man who struggles just to make ends meet daily,  and feeling like a burden every day,  and not being a man of means,  both saddens and depresses me.  How do you get a foot ahead,  when every day you are deeper into your head? That, dear readers,  is the question. 

What I don't want

One thing I promised myself,  years ago,  was to never become embittered by my ailment. The blatant truth is,  it has, in a way.  Embittered by my inability to be normal.  Embittered by my health taking more and more from me. Embittered by my transference of my feelings,  and embittered by the way the cookie has crumbled. As a friend of mine said recently,  you can either get better,  or bitter.  I often feel that I wasn't given a chance to get better because they cannot fix my ailment. The blatant truth is,  my ailment is an exercise in entropy.

An open letter to my past.

A decade came and went, turning quickly into 15 years. Friends came and went, family members changed.  The majority of people who met me over the years couldn't handle me and I'm not sure they ever will be able to. I've been around the world.  I've gone many places where people didn't want to go. I've gone places where people wanted to go but never could. I've played many parts in the play which we call life.  Husband,  father,  nurse,  caretaker,  patient, psychologist,  doctor,  salesman,  soldier,  leader,  follower. These,  plus other, unnamed chapters in my life story.  To these,  I bid farewell. They were in a past which I wasn't supposed to be in. In a place that wasn't for me. Adieu,  Adieu,  parting is such sweet sorrow, but you can never control me again.  To the bright new future I pave a new Road. 

For a while

I have been silent,  because I was having trouble with my words.  Shrouded in a fog,  the words I tried to share were always hard to explain. Maybe it is my words falling into the hole in my cognitive  side of my brain.  Maybe I am overthinking.  I don't know

Whether or not

Things may be on the other people in my life,  but it still affects me,  and my view of life around me.  The more I am reminded of things being on someone else, that doesn't change how I feel. I am overly sensitive,  thin skinned with things that happen,  trying my best not to let things happen around me, not affiliated with me, affect me. What else can I do? I'm scared of being emotionally hurt,  downright afraid that I will never be the person who I so try to be.  And still,  here I sit.  Me against the demons in my mind,  doing everything I can to make sure they are calm.

I need to figure myself out more.

The main reason I struggle so much Is simple. I wake up every day and realize something has been taken from me.  My feeling in my extremities.  My balance , my sight,  my daughter,  my son,  my dog. All of these things are compounded. More and more each day,  my ailment taking more. A lesser extent was taken from others who I thought were friends,  but that is on them,  not me.

Nothing sad, nor upsetting to report

I am frustrated with myself. frustrated that I was never given  a chance.  Frustrated that I was always thought of as that guy who helps everyone,  will bend over backwards to help you  , but never able to truly help myself.  Frustrated that my health took a turn for the worst,  long before I was ready. frustrated that I am slower than anyone else.  Frustrated That my tears are mistaken for weakness. Frustrated no one seems to understand. 
Frustrated with my inability to articulate my words properly. Even though I know exactly what I want to say.

Cytokine, and inflammation in ms

For years and years I have been studying my ailment.  Two fold reasoning,  but it finds the same out come. 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2835842/

As you read this,  it explains why the inflammation has been so all encompassing,  and in particular how it fundamentally alters the DNA of multiple endocrine systems.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2966366/#!po=1.80723

Can I get this information published?  I don't know.

I think I understand

What has bothered me for years,  and lately. For years I have known nothing but loss, loss of sight,  loss of functions,  loss of people who I thought were friends,  loss of family and Close friends. And the kicker,  I'm still the same goofy guy that everyone is used to seeing.  I have become the rock in many people's lives,  and I don't change.  Yet deep under all of that,  I struggle to find positive things to focus on. I let it go,  and I am not sure that letting go is enough to repair the damage of only dealing with loss.

Deeply sad

Why am I always sad inside?  The more I try to be happy,  the sadder I get inside.  I shouldn't be sad,  I have the love of my life which is a wonderful thing.  I still often fall into sadness,  and I am not sure why.  Is it possibly I struggle to find happiness because I have no control over my life.  Forcibly I lost my son,  forcibly I have to rotate around my daughter,  who never wants to leave my side.  Forcibly I watch the slow decline of my body and mind.  Forcibly I ellipse around those I care about.  I am not going to give up,  but it weighs on me.

Many things that I want to do

I have many things that I enjoy,  that I am unable to do anymore.  I finally have a love that I have wanted,  even though things are not perfect,  she makes me happier than I ever thought was possible.  Maybe I care to much,  or maybe I am simply unable to articulate the way I feel right now.  I wish I knew,  even though I am sure it is all in my head.

Why do I care so much?

The question of the day.  Having delved into the history and information about my ailment,  I am at an impasse.  Lyme disease is found in the brain of a huge
Patient demographic,  but no one else notices because of the money involved. If they do notice,  they are laughed out of the medical field, or simply ignored.  It makes me feel horrible knowing What I Know About The Human Aspects of this disease,  but I also don't have a financial backing like a multi billion dollar pharmaceutical company either.

What really gets under my skin.

Most people see my disability and label me as a liability. Take better care of yourself Glen, the phrase that I hear often.
I meticulously planned and execute every second of every day. I do take care of myself,  but I too struggle. I too am imperfect. I too am human, and I want to have a life too.

Life goes by too fast

Every second I am with the love of my life, I feel blessed and happy. The situation is not perfect, and at times I shake my fist in anger at the universe.
Not because I am angry with anyone, but because of how I am reminded every day that I am behind the curve so to speak.
Painstakingly and deliberately I have done everything I can do to make the seemingly correct decision for my health. And everyone else has lived their lives. Have made decisions based on the situations that have befallen them. And here I sit, looking through the dust that was churned up, as everyone else has passed. Living their life to the fullest, while I struggle to keep my body from giving out on me.

My humor is my shield

I laugh and joke around oftentimes thinking that people don't notice. When I do joke it is probably because I'm sad, sadder than most people would even remotely understand. My shield is not infalible, oftentimes people's statements shoot at me like shots from a bow.
     I lost zarek and in a way I've lost avy too. No matter how much I am told that I have not lost her, and I know it's true. I still feel like I am doing this the wrong way.
Yet, the wrong way is an elusive, and ambiguous way of thinking. There is no right or wrong, there simply is.
     I am oftentimes torn between two ways of thinking. That what I am doing is wrong and what I am doing is correct. I think a lot, more than I should. That is the way it is, but I want to change it.

Why am I always brought to tears

This time of year has been historically sad  for me. I don't try to focus on the negative, but if you lived life like I have,then  you may understand. I was never truly given a chance to be an adult. I do well with the mask I have perfected over the year's. Was I not paying attention to the way things happened? Or was I lying to myself about my ability to be more than I am?
I have the love of my life. And I am never letting go of her . I have learned a lot from my past, and yet I still feel as if I am going to forever feel as if I Will be forever held accountable for my mistakes.

Why do I fall through the cracks?

I am not sure why but I always seem to fall through cracks.
When I ask for assistance I am told that I make too much money, or I am not eligible for medical funding because my ailment is not as important as others.
Every place I talk to seems to has nothing available, at this time.
Why wouldn't I be annoyed?
Why wouldn't I feel lost in a swirling mass of chaos?