Being stuck in the then, hampers the now.

In a time when I should have been a child. I became hardened by society.  This is not a detrimental happenstance unless you seem to get stuck in those days. I have been there. I, at times, return to familiar faces, familiar feelings. Not because I am a glutton for punishment. But because that was my youth. And trying to escape a major part of life, never works.

Don't get me wrong, the future still terrifies me. The present frustrates me. The past offers familiar nonfeeling. Comfortable expressions of sadness masked by joviality.
The term comfortably numb comes to mind. A sense I have become very accustomed to.

Time to restart

Holding things at a distance, although beneficial, can become easily addictive. For the past two years, I have done much self-exploration. This has been beneficial, and yet it has essentially alienated me from others. Was it a defense mechanism used to help me heal? To help me define things that seem undesirable? I would love to say yes. But honestly, I have so much knowledge and happiness to share. Yet, for some, I seem to be undesirable. I seem to be untouchable, and I don't know why. Is it that I seem standoffish? I wish I knew, so, therefore, I'm going to try to figure it out.

Damn right I'm allowed to be sad

The world is changing. The weather is different than in my youth. The medical cash complex has begun controlling everyone's health. The country is being run by a person who has destroyed every company he has touched. Everyone I meet is suffering. Suffering from sadness unabated and explicitly yearning for more. More time. More reason to move forward.

So l,as a man , who has been through hell numerous times . I look to the sky, and wait. Watching for a glimmer of reason for this. I hope that it comes.