I often wonder

Would I truly be missed by anyone else in this world,  even when people say they would. I have been going through a variety of bad times, and here I stand.  Still trying my hardest to be something,  and not sure if I ever will. It is hard being alone,  even when surrounded by rooms full of people.  Hey,  I have to do what I have to do I guess.  Tomorrow morning always comes sooner than I expect,  and I never accomplish half of what I need to .

And in a way,  I guess my hell is internal,  and only I can change it. But here it is , the elephant in the room.

I'm never going to get better,  and dammit,  I'm sad because of it.

Oh so very sad,  and I can't do anything to change it.

Tomorrow wasn't better

Here it is,  I am stuck in a place where I can't be.  A place where everything I do is bad,  and sadness abounds. I am ok,  yes,  but how can I ask for help,  when I cannot find the reason too.  So I question the world and wonder why I can't find the happiness I truly hope to find. Things look ok,  but they rarely are great.  Wish I was getting better,  but I'm not.  Such is life I suppose.  Such is life.

Recent events have been tough on me

And that is sad to me.  It's like I am so close to being better at this world,  and this time I have left.  I sit back and question,where did I go wrong.  Why am I so compelled to do more,  and be better to find my place in this world.  I don't know anymore because I am not getting any better.  Actually I have been getting worse.  And I can't do anything to fix it.  Frustrating to say the least.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Maybe.

Watch the show, it could be interesting

Why do I care so much? I have a big heart,  and it sometimes betrays my head.  It is quite simple I suppose,  my heart betrays my mind,  daily.  It fools my brain into thinking that the best is yet to come. I focus on the life I have created for myself, and fools my brain into thinking that I am good enough.  Good enough to be happy at any point,  and the opposite is true.  I will never be happy,  and that is sad.  Sad that I am not good enough to be able to see the happiness that is offered to me,  and yet I still feel that I am going to find it.
I guess I should not be able to be happy,  because I am not good  enough for it.  I am not smart enough to make life better for anyone,  not even me. I guess I reap what I sow.

Good job  glen,  good job.

How cold

I'm ,sadly, cold anymore. As the weather has changed, so has my belief that warmer things have to come. I often think that I am truly cold blooded, as sad as that is. The saying, "as temperatures rise. So do tempers" comes to mind. Only reverse, in traditional fashion. I'm not white washing anything about my life, and it truly sucks. I guess back to being alone, and solo. Such is the life if Glen.

A lonely moon

As the moon, I sit in a forever orbit. Passing daily, never truly able to be included in that which I affect. This lonely moon, always a smile on my face, is full of sadness. A deep, yet understandable, sadness. that sadness is all encompassing. Loneliness, and sadness, that appreciates nothing in the way of help, nor assistance in any regard.

So, I watch and continue. This sad orbit that no one notices, but everyone expects.

Universal mandate

So, as life has been carrying me in a semi elliptical pattern, I find that I am a part of an unknown orbit.
As the one I love stays perpetually out of reach. I slowly orbit around, seeing that which I so yearn for. I'm the moon, and she is the earth.
The moon never touches the earth, and yet it still effects the daily actions of the thing which it slowly orbits. The earth sits quietly out if reach, beauty unparalleled, and the moon still rotates in orbit.
If the moon were to ever touch the earth, devastation would ensue. I'm unafraid of this devastation, but the earth shys away as gravity is uncontrollable, and ever present.

So, until the earth swallows it's fear, and reaches out, and touches the moon, orbital action is the only response.

I am the moon, and I offer this plea. Please swallow your fears, dear earth, and let the moon reach out and touch you.
The devastation that may ensue can be rebuilt, and remade. Just please allow me to touch you, and then we can embrace the worst that happens, together.

I wanted to vlog this but i can't

My camera wont work properly.

I have a confession to make.
I have a horrible tendency to push those i love away.
I hate whatever i do when i lash out due to things that i can't control.
I am full of anger, and yet i keep it well hidden in my heart,because i have to.
I have loved someone since i met her years ago,but no matter what i do. The universe fights back, and i feel punished for it.
I was a coward, and i didn't go after what i wanted, because i felt like i didn't deserve someone i thought of as a goddess.
The worst part is, it's to late.

Watching as things change,

The only constant in this world is change, and it is maddeningly prevalent for me and my friends.
The main trouble with helping others is that it opens you up to things that you don't necessarily want to know.
So, as i've learned, you have 2 choices. 1 do nothing, and be like the rest of this uncaring society we live in.2. Continue helping, and deal with the repercussions.

But thos repercussions become less prevalent as time passes. I deal with things with poise, and experience now, because I've learned how to through dealing with them.
This is why i help, to grow my experience,and .make things work how they should. Does this,make me a horrible person? Perhaps,

Good morning?

Today was an interesting morning. Awoke to a right leg that wasn't working properly. Yay, i quickly shook the feeling off, went to the store, bought a new cane just in case, and some decongestants to shake the sniffles. Fun fun, but i don't have time for this crap, i have a world to conquer.

I have a confession to make.

I am an addict. I am not addicted to drugs, nor alcohol. I am addicted to the feelings of pride, usefulness, and the idea of helping other people. As I started losing feelings, and vision, I clung to the only thing I was truly able to feel anymore. I often go out of my way just to help. It is not truly an issue, just a view into the way my brain works.

So where do i go from here

I tore down my shell, removed it and felt love again. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. Too young, looking to experience things I had years ago. I was, and still am, heartbroken. She was not ready, or found interest elsewhere. I am not sure. My heart aches, but I have a goal in mind, to make my life better for me and my kiddos sake. It is going to make things strange, and awkward, as I do not fall in love frivolously, nor do i want to hurt anyone. But that's life. Anguish has crept in place of the love i felt. But i have to move forward.

You know, this week has my head spinning.

In both a good way, and troubling way. I feel i have learned a lot about people recently. So much, that i feel confident that i am moving down the correct path.
Heartache, pain, and sadness have struck me hard. Again, I have been pushed into a corner that troubles my beliefs.
I feel sorry for those that haven't felt the need to choose me. So much so that it kills me. I am awesome, i am amazing, i am intelligent, i am great looking. But i am not vain, nor do i want to be used like a disposable tissue, after being tossed around like a rag doll. But hey, that is the way of the world. Adapt and overcome. Adaptation is my only strong point. And therefore I need to continue morphing.

Friends, what are they?

I truly just don't get it. I do everything I can put myself out there, to get people to notice me. Low and behold, I always feel left behind. I get it, because I am unable to do things like everyone else, I am left out for my trouble. Don't you think I want to do things like everyone else? Don't you think I try my best to feel a part of something? Did I ask to not be able to ride a ride, and if I do at my own expense, having no center of balance makes it impossible. That's right, I am not normal, and if you don't understand, or feel the need to not make me a priority in your life, fuck off. I'm done.

Today was interesting

I met a man, who seemed like he needs some help. He has come to my apartment several times, and seems like a lost soul. You all know how I am, and I felt compelled to help. He apparently was just hit by a car, and was walking around only wearing boxers, and a T-shirt. The packing they had placed in a leg wound was hanging out, and he looked disheveled, and in pain. I talked to him for a time, and explained that he needed to clean himself up, and rest to get better. I explained that I have a little bit of medical background, and he seemed surprised. He swore that God had placed me in his path, and called me an angel. I put my hand on his shoulder, and smiled. I am no angel, and I explained that to him. He sat down, and began reciting a poem that he wrote. While reciting it, he burst into tears. I put my hand on his shoulder, again, and smiled. I told him if he thought i was an angel, then listen to what i say, and clean himself up, and go rest.
As i got in my car to leave, he said ok Gabriel, and pushed his bike away.

I think i did the right thing, but I am not sure.

I hope so....

How can you say sorry, to someone whom you don't know what they want?

That is the question I'm stuck on. My anxiety kicked in, and I lost control of myself. I reverted to past response, and it hurt someone I adore. How can i say i'm sorry. How?

Every day is an eternity for me

From the minute I wake up, until the time I pass out, time eeks on slowly. Tick, tick, tick, tick. The sound I hear as imaginary clocks slowly spin. Its maddening, and disheartening. But such is life, as sad as it is.

This nagging feeling

I have this nagging feeling that I put the cart before the horse, going back to college again. I know what my ultimate goal is, but after starting this weeks essay assignment, I feel like I'm over accentuating what I should be doing. Maybe I'm not smart enough to do these things, maybe I should just get a job that I'll most likely hate, but it'll be making ends meet. This is upsetting, and scary for me. My focus is not dead set on my goal right now, and I don't know how to change that.

Maybe I'm not ok.

What truly sets the pace for life?

I've been thinking back to times long past, and how small things can completely alter the pace of life.
In a bar back while I was in the army. I met a waitress who was astounded that I too was from Pennsylvania. Having been stuck in Podunk pa up until that point, this pretty girl intrigued me. We talked for quite a bit, and I explained where I was from. She had no idea where I was talking about. She then explained that she was from Wilkes barre Scranton area, and my pace was set. Sure, I just met this girl, but my path was forever altered. One comment. One intriguing girl. And I was stuck. I knew nothing of this place, no one there. But I still felt compelled to explore that locale. Things could have been so different had she been from elsewhere. But, now here I am.

Funny how chance encounters can fundamentally alter the path in front of you.

Life of Glen

Interesting and troublesome all mixed into one, but i'm still here.  My life is something of a complete conundrum,but yet it's all i've got.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I hope it's great.

I sit and watch

A series of unfortunate events that have set the pace for my life. I try not to let it weigh on me, but the worst happening consistently is nearly unfathomable. After telling a bit of my story to a counselor at ovr , all she could say was that it sounded like the plot from a movie.  Welcome to what it's like to be me. I don't know where to look for any inklings of where i should turn next.   I only hope tomorrow is not so bad. All i can do is hope anymore. 

I exist

I'm not sure why , but I've changed from a short time of once again living my life. Right back to simply existing on this plane of existence.  It's quite disheartening, going from one way to the other with no choice of your own. For year's I've been continuously thrust in ways I had no choice about. Fundamentally lacking control. 

How can i get that control back?

No clue. 

Another day. Another way?

For all to long i've been fighting issues i have no control over. What is it in my psyche that makes me fight thing's that don't work the way i want them to.

I can guarantee one thing though. I'm not going to stop.  Being Glen is the only thing i do right,and i'm not going to quit. Ever.

The silence is deafening

This life has taught me two things.  Trust no one, and don't wish for thing's to calm down for your own well being. The silence is deafening where i am right now.  The staring at empty walls because there's no where else, and no one else to look at. The lack of purpose is maddeningly prevalent. Yet the silence still remains. I'll just sit back and hope tomorrow is better. We shall see what tomorrow brings. Rain or shine.

Starting off again is hard when you're Glen.

Yes, that rhymes.  And I'm not sorry for it.

More wrenches in the works.  I just gave up the jeep,  and had to get a new car. After that, things seemed to be looking up. Then on the Friday before Easter,  I was let go from my job due to lack of work.  A nice way for someone to say they didn't need me anymore,  and to move on. Now, i have a car payment that needs paid. Rent due. Bills to pay. Makes a man feel like life is permanently stuck on repeat.

Oh universe.  Why are you so fickle. ..

Living in a state of internal fear is weighing in me

I've been stuck in a position in this life of complete internal fear. This mindset is alien to me, and yet here i am. I fear no physical problems,  no assailant,  and no person on this earth. The worst, in that regard, has happened, before ; however,  not knowing where,  or if more bad luck is popping up tomorrow,  eats me daily. I'm  not sure how i can fix it.

Moving forward. ......always forward.

My brain pisses me off

I hate that I have no control over the entropy that is my brain. People look at me, see how good I seem, but never think that deep inside, I'm a ball of pain. I never, ever, complain, and people seem to think that means I have nothing to complain about. It takes everything in my soul not to snap on A daily basis. I'm not going to complain, it could be worse. I could still be sleeping in my car. I could be in the hole that I was in for a long time. Nevertheless, I could be doing better, instead of constantly reminded that I am not good enough.

Oh well, perfection is hard to come by.

What an interesting week.

This week was interesting, that's for sure. Sad in many regards, but I'm still trying to move forwarD.I started my week dealing with a jeep that overheated, and
keeps overheating. I was then called on the way to work, and informed that pj, my favorite cat from my past life, had passed away. I was shocked, and heartbroken when I heard this, and I'm still in shock. He was truly my only real friend for years, and I never got to truly say goodbye. I was always greeted by him at the top of the stairs, and I miss him already. My kiddo is sadder than any of us, and asks me where he is. I tell her that he is with her brother, and they are playing.
I don't know what else can happen to make this life more difficult, but I'm sure it is coming soon.

I truly hate who I've become.

I have something to admit. I hate who I've turned into, regardless of how interesting it seems. I've been treading water for longer than I can remember, and I'm stuck worrying that the worst is yet to come.

I'm filled with unquenchable anger, and trusting anyone anymore is beyond my ability to think of. I'm beginning to think that I'm broken, beyond repair. The positive that I'm constantly reminded to think of, has long since left me behind. So, my premonition of the future has sadly come to pass. The desert that surrounds me is metaphorical, and the rain that I saw was nothing more than the state of my life.

Why I share these things eludes me still, for I doubt it is understood, nor does anyone truly care.

Oh well.

What strange things I have found myself involved in.

This week has been going well, but simultaneously, it's concerning. My life has perhaps changed for the better, but I can't change that I'm stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not really sure, perhaps it's just what I'm used to. Or maybe it will. I truly believe that I'm doing well, but I can't tell. The things I have been through this past year has made me feel accomplished, but saddened by the way I seem to have no control of anything. Sure, this is the same way it is for everyone, but still, I want to change the way I think about that.

(Sigh)
Have a great week everyone.

Long time no see

It truly has been a long time since I have wordsmithed, so I guess now is a good time to restart. The days I have overcome, the time I have watched pass, and the losses I have endured are all fresh in my mind. It's almost like yesterday my life turned on its heels, and thrust me in the direction that I am facing. So many muddled emotions, so many tears, and anger laden, sleepless nights. But, I'm not going to complain. I rarely do, regardless of how much has been stacked on my plate. It is my hope that you are all doing well, and that you will continue reading, as my word's can reach you, even though I personally cannot.