once again frustrated

I know exactly what I want to do. Exactly what I would do for it. How deeply I have dug to try to find a way to move forward with every Idea I have. 

Unfortunately, I feel like I am not doing something correctly.

All I can do is shrug, look for something to piggy back and help. 

onward

The only way to go. Onward and upward. 

The sad Truth is, I am, and often have been sitting here, watching as life has passed me by. 

I often cannot help but feel passed over. Unfortunately,  those whom I actually thought, seemingly understood me, gave up on me when I needed them The most. Sadly, no matter how much I Tell myself that was a past that I was never supposed to be in, I still have silent urges to go back. Back to hell, back to pain and dark thoughts. Back to sadness.

Stay away from then, Glen, stay away.

Dreams of running

There was a time when running was almost a punishment for me.  Recently,  I have dreamed that no matter what I was able to run everywhere   Running was not a struggle.  It was almost a happy time that was enjoyable.  In the dream,  I went everywhere by running.  I ran to many places. Ran just to run.  Oh how I wish I could.  Every moment of every day. 

Before you go

I know . Stop thinking glen. 

 Yet my mind keeps going back to believing that everything is temporary.  Watching  the perpetual now, slowly, but surely, change.

I know  that so much transpires in the day to day rat race. As such, I cannot help but think and feel that I didn't do enough. At the end of the  day.  All that really matters. I am sorry that I missed the mark on so many things. 

So all I ask is,  before you go.  Please forgive me for not doing more in this blink of an eye. 

I don't mean to cause apathy

I guess I often become boring quickly. Not that it's any surprise,  really. I'm interesting to a point,  unfortunately that point usually becomes dull.  I'm not exactly the best. Don't have very much money.  Not really that special.  Regardless, when I love,  I love completely and without question. So it comes,  usually out of the blue,  when I get dropped.  But hey,  I'm still here. 

There are days

When I get so angry and sad that I feel that I should implode. More and more,  I'm shown how much I should be silently complacent. It always seems the more I struggle.  The happier others are.  I truly believe that it is my job to simply be a silent and complacent person in order to help everyone be happy.  

After all,  who knows anything else about my life and actions? Some have seen a small amount of my struggle,  but never the whole thing.  

Probing my shadow self part 5

I'm extremely stubborn.  Stubborn too a fault. When something seems to be amiss,  I stubbornly latch on.  I do everything I can  make sure it works how, I believe,  it is beneficial for everyone involved.  

I often find myself latching onto air.  Because my mind tells me to grasp onto something that I feel is wrong.  Yet truly,  it's not exactly there. 

I push myself to be better.  To be the best version of myself. All of this,  Without even caring about my well being. A lot of it is because I see a world that is suffering.  That has no thoughts that generally affect the whole.  It is often about the individual. 

I truly wonder if I am in the wrong. Have an icee and chill out yerger. 

Probing my shadow self part 4

I'm quick to believe that something is directly targeted at me.  Regardless of what I am told. 

As Time passes,  everything that I know has seemed to be a direct affront to me. Friends, what are they? For nearly a decade,  I watched as things were done.  Things that were said.  People who said that I was a friend. Unfortunately this was a blatant fallacy. 

When I needed people to understand.  Needed people who were friends. Needed other's to help.  I was sadly discarded.  

No matter how much I wanted to try for anyone to assist.  I was reminded that I am on my own. Therefore,  I am very quick to feel slighted by the people who were supposed to be there. Is it any wonder that I felt as a detriment to overcome. Not a true human being that lives and breathes. 

Probing my shadow self part 3

Deep down, I truly feel that I have done horrible things in my life. My past was tumultuous to say the least. I have gone through more segments of grief and abandonment than most. At times, especially when I am shown any kindness. I am fraught with anxiety. Thoughts of, do I deserve to be loved or respected? Thoughts of, what makes me have the right to be anything but perpetually sad? Perpetually anguished and completely torn asunder? Even though I believe that I am a good person, currently, that doesn't give me the right to be anything but distraught.  

Statements like, you were following orders. That was a different time. The past is gone. You name it. 

I understand that belief. Yet I was a concious observer. Who could have chosen path b instead of path a. 

Watching life disappear from someone else weighs on my every moment. Watching with sad but resilient eyes. Looking for a respite from those feelings. 

Probing my shadow self part 2

Although the snarling and rabid hound that's my anger is a giant part of who I am.  It's only half of the full glen story.  

Behind all of the rage and utter pain,  is a deep feeling of sadness. This sadness has nearly engulfed me numerous times.  Drug me to the deepest depths of my worst fears. 

Turned me into a basket case. Filled my thoughts with loss. Drenched my face with my tears. 

This side of me has always been right in the forefront of my thoughts. Scoffing and jeering. As my thoughts work in overdrive.

The saddest  thing is,  there is no definitive answer for this situation.  Just giant question marks.  Who,  what,  when,  where and why.  I wish I knew 

Probing my shadow self

I have been discussing my darkest thoughts and memories several times in this blog. Knowing that dark half, truly gives a direct glimpse into me. 

That dark side, is always brimming with anger. Always spiteful. Just like a pit bull with lock jaw, latches on to small things until they snap. That side of me is quick to jump for the throat, if anything shows signs of minimal weakness. That part is a person who I absolutely despise. 

He was useful in times long gone. Yet I have learned how to put a pincher collar on him, until I was able to get him to chill out.

Even though he is tethered, and leashed. I fear that he will break out of his kennel and destroy things again. 

Here's to hoping that I can keep him safely in check. 

The rain has taken everything from my heart

The rain is implied.  Yet it is also uncaring and unfeeling.  Some days I wish I were too. Some days I think that lack of emotion would be beneficial.  Would be calming.  Yet I am still meticulously picking everything  that I am,   apart. Unfortunately,  I see things that I don't exactly want to.  Parts of me that are extremely dark. Extremely foreboding and absolutely scary. But it is me. I see that Time is running out,  and yet seemingly moving in slow motion. 

This is a new experience

I don't exactly know what I should currently feel.  Should I give in to euphoria of happiness and love? Or should I be wary of everything that this situation is,  and means. That dear friends is the giant question mark,  that sits above my head right now.  I truly hope that I am just being super hasty,  and not thinking straight. 

Letting life kill my spark.

For all too long I have walked through life with a smile hiding a deep hole.  This hole has swallowed up everything that is good.  Swallowed my heart,  my light,  and everything that makes me feel somewhat better.  I hope that it can be stitched together permanently.  That it begins to heal itself.  Pardon me for being so used to the alternative. Being so sensitive and watching as life passes me by.  No remorse,  no extenuating circumstances.  Nothing to do,  but accept the inevitable. 

So I have watched as my inner light flickers and dims. Scary and sad as it is. 

The life of a rolling stone

As I recently mentioned,  I have been doing allot of self reflection. Thinking about life as it has passed.  Quietly listening to the history of what I have learned. Time flows inevitably forward.  Always flowing forward.  I look back at everything that I have perceived.  The good things,  the bad things,  even the horrible heart wrenching things. I take a tally of the entire equation.  The unanswerable questions. Everything.  The math doesn't seem to add up.  Why doesn't it ever seem to equal?

Frankly,  I don't know.  Guess I need to recalculate the whole thing. 

Keep on rolling down the hills,  and hopefully gravity is kind. 

Self reflection

Who am I? I'm Glendon David Yerger.  

A person who has seen so much beauty in this world.  Unfortunately,  it has often been tainted by a seething and malevolent darkness that surrounds me. 

I am a kind and caring person who gives everything I can,  helps whoever I can. I guess,  in the hope that it will counteract the horrible things that happen.  

I am not exactly what I want to be in this world.  I have tried to make my way often.  Change up what I am doing 

 What I am trying to become.  Unfortunately,  it doesn't work that way.  As logic and emotion fight tooth and nail often. 

 I have had so much pain in my mind and body since I was first able to walk. 

I have had so much potential since I was quite young. 

When I love,  I love completely and without question. Without judgement and without prejudice. 

Whenever I sit and reflect on how much that makes me, me.  I often find that I am trying too hard and not simply letting myself live.  How can I change that? I really don't know. 

Change

It's guaranteed that the only constant in this reality is just that,  change.  As it's the only constant in reality,  I often wonder if I truly can adapt and overcome the situation. At the end of the day.  All I truly do is siuado. Hope that everything works out exactly how I hope that it will.  It truly weighs on me every day.  All of the time. So, here's to hoping. 

Realization

I have begun to realize that I over accentuate the way my emotions show themselves.  I have begun to realize just how Little I truly think of myself.  The more that I watch and listen to my every day life.  I have to truly accept the unacceptable.  Adapt,  overcome and grow. 

These words are etched into my every day thoughts.  My every day life. 

I have also realized just how lost I have truly become.  How overtly despondent I have become.  Even though it is not shown on a surface level. 

Does that make me lonelier than I usually am? I believe so. 

Abandoned

For all too long,  I have struggled to be happy.  I pay no attention to my mental lockbox and rarely listen to the screaming it does  .

Yet the truth is,  I often feel extremely self conscious and worrisome.  It has always been my experience that no matter what, as soon as I find a family,  as soon as I begin to let things closely in. They are gone. 

No matter how hard I try.  No matter how much I protect anyone,  the inevitable happens. 

All I can do is try not to be upset. Accept everything that happens.  Widely embrace the potential of the loss. Try not to let it bog me down. 

Panic

I have this horrible tendency. The tendency comes in waves,  crashing through my thoughts.  Just like a tsunami. 

As soon as I feel even a tiny bit of happiness.  I am overcome with a foreboding feeling of panic.  

This panic comes from a deep feeling of guilt.  Guilt from the things that I have seen.  Guilt from the people who I have been unable to help.  Guilt from the time I squandered. Guilt from being filled with such potential, and letting it slip easily away. 

When I think about this, I have come to a point of realization.  I realized being so open to everything in the world,  So focused and detail oriented,  has not only let the light of all that I see into my life,  it also comes partnered with darkness. 

After realizing this,  I realized that although I know that I need to continue on the path less traveled.  I also just need to live to the best of my ability. 

Time is irrelevant

Days pass. Weeks rush by. Months disappear. 

Time moves forward, always forward. Yet, amazingly enough, I feel like the same person I always was.

I guess this is the human conundrum. To always be consciously aware of everything around you, yet focused on the way it passes by. Afterall, In a second from now, I will be living in the past.  

confusing

I am often confused.  Confused by changes in actions.  Confused by lacks of communication.  Confused by those who appear to have made decisions about things that affect me. Confused by emotions that scream,  even though words are not being said. Confused by everything that happens in my mind,  and around me. 

I suppose I need to simply stop overreacting and overthinking. 

changes

The most important thing about this universe   is that everything is guaranteed to change. I watch as an amazing situation changes often. It grows and evolves. 

 I don't understand how it does. Yet it never stays the same. 

For the logically present moment,  and for a person like me.  I often try to  understand it Yet i end up confused 

Today

I have been struggling with my feelings and thoughts.  I am trying to understand why I feel passed over.  When everyone says that I should reach out.  Yet when I do,  it's to dead air response.  

I find the easiest way, to in essence,  hide behind my smile.  Hide my disappointment with a societal dilemma.  A huge gaping hole in the world we live in.  

collateral damage

Sitting here,  at the bow of my boat.  Staring at the horizon.  Hoping that the storm will pass,  even though there's no sign of a storm at all.

Is it insecurities? Maybe it is bad luck showing it's signs.  I truly hope that it's just in my head. 

Hopefully it isn't me just being my name sake. Collateral damage. 

The crushing weight of paradise

For as long as I have existed. I have been searching.  Searching for something,  someone,  that may not exist. I believe that I have found someone who is everything that I have ever wanted.  Someone who has made me feel happy.  Who knows everything about me,  and still comes back for me.  In dante's divine comedy,  it was eluded to a very difficult situation that confronts us all. The sad truth about your paradise which may not be my paradise. 

So, with a smile and open heart,  I confronted each peril and keep my eyes focused on everything in front of me. 

Hello darkness

Quiet.  Pulsating.  And surrounding me.  I don't know what it is.  Why it has a tendency to dip into my mind often. At first I simply feel a deep sense of dread.  Crazy dreams.  Sleep is never restful. 

Then I notice my inward sadness,  beginning to slowly, but surely, peek out.  

I often notice it after the tornado has subsided.  Other time's,  I am able to stave it off. 

This darkness has followed me for as long as I have been alive.  And sadly I don't know if there's anything that can be done 

what can I do?

As an essential worker.  It truly makes me question the powers that be. While a country is ripping itself apart.  I didn't complain.  While our economy took a drastic downturn.  I was silent.  While members of the Congress and the Senate are on recess. I just shook my head. 

I see a grand (used to be) government being run into the dust because of greed.  Because of partisan politics. Because  of Administrators posing as leaders.

So what am I to do or say?

Did you ever...

Did you ever feel like a storm is on the horizon? Even though everything leads to beliefs that it is going to be smooth sailing.  The sea of life has been calm for the time being. Yet my eyes are focused upon the horizon.  Hoping that the hurricane of potential will not surge onto me.  

As the sails lead me,  I shall float on. Always hoping that the sea of life will not drag me away. 

enough

When I sit back and watch the world turn.  I realize one thing.  For someone always there. For someone who makes me laugh until tears roll down my face.  For someone who always has my best interest at heart. For someone who is truly my other half. 

For aimee;   I am truly more than enough. 

I hope that I am enough for her.  

emotions versus logic

Every day I am reminded of why humanity is still in the dark ages of life. 

Emotions rule everyone's thoughts. 

Emotionally acting out due to a temporary emotional feeling.  Illogicality rules every moment.  

Acting because of the way options feel.  Not because of the way they are.  

Please wake up humanity.  Please stop dismissing your locality. 

The worst facsimile

When I watch the world around me. I see the people move throughout their standard actions. 

They jog.   They jump.  They browse stores.  They go wherever and whenever they like. 

I'm happy for them.  Yet I quickly realized something.  For all of the things I do 

 No matter how much I try.  My life is never ever going to be traditional. 

I fall whenever I walk 

 I have no physical core strength. 

I have no balance. 

A veritable list of a million things that confront me. 

Due to that. I realize that my life is a cruel facsimile of living. 

For all too long

I have been sitting in a holding pattern.  Going through regularly designed activities.  Getting awake at a specific time.  Showering like clockwork.  Eating the same foods.  Listening to the same music. 

Not sure if it's a disdain for change in general.  Or just that I feel different from the majority of things in my life. 

Either way,  I am trying to embrace the new.  Embrace what may be.  Do everything I can to enjoy this portion of my life story .

Unique

Being unique is quite a daunting experience.  I have tried to look at it as a positive note in my life long story.  Yet I often truly believe that the word unique,  simply means alone. 

I am not as alone as I have been 

 Yet I am still in essence,  alone. 

I truly hope that I am able to finish the last few laps of this marathon. 

Life is a balancing act.

If that saying is true,  what is someone supposed to do if they have no center of balance?

With all of the trials I have overcome , and still do overcome on a daily basis , I find it harder and harder to care anymore. My heart is big, my caring and comforting side second to none. But I still feel lost without the love of my life. The problem is,  I am not there.  I try and try to find an easy way to make sure that I am making up for past mistakes.  Yet I still feel stifled by my own actions. 

I go about my daily routines,  attempting to find solace in menial tasks. Sadly,  that kills me. No simple path to make life bearable. Always the path less traveled.  Enough to make my head spin , around the sun in a semi elliptical pattern. ...the story of my life

self reflection

When zarek left, all those years ago, I sat and thought for weeks on end. Who caused his death. Who can I be angry with. Who did something so incorrectly.  

Unfortunately, the answer was , no one. It simply happened. I struggled with words that I heard. Angry thoughts that were sent to me. People who were never really there, deciding that I must have done something wrong. That it was my fault. That I screwed everything up.  

For a long time. I tried to process those angry words. These vitrious mean, and spiteful thoughts. 

I began to believe that I had ruined things. That it was all me. 

Even after years. I still somedays believe those words. Those spiteful and ignorant words that were targeted at me. 

I sometimes fall back into those feelings. Fall back into those thoughts.  

Yet when it comes to it, I am not at fault. I did nothing but be as good at fatherhood as I could.

And so I am in a fashion. grieving still.

So, if you see me staring into space. Just know that I am trying my damnedest to quell the pain and silence my demons. 

Heraphadous (Herophilos) of CalcedonFather of anatomy .

Ancient greece, bc third century (3rd)
This ancient Greek has always intrigued me. He quite literally became so curious about the human body. So interested in what every human being was about. Yet even though he meticulously researched the body, he didn't ever show interest in more.


Regardless, I don't know if he ever wrote a book about the human condition.

I think that it is interesting that a man who publicly dissected human bodies. He never thought that he could learn so much more from one simple thing. Simply asking questions is a start.

I guess at the end of the day, his exploration and research laid the roots of modern medicine. Even though he was obviously simply putting on a public show. In order to make a bit more coin. 

Some are fighters , some are not .

You really can't tell who is who. Until the battle starts.

As I've been deeply entrenched my whole life.

All know is battle. Battle to walk. Battle to stand up. Battle to be the best version of myself.

No remorse
No alternating circumstances.
No peace.

Especially no regrets. 

Siuado Yerger

It's an epic story.

Guy is treated with utmost disdain for a majority of his life. Falls hard for a woman who is well above his pay grade. Fights very hard with himself, to not fall through blaring cracks and creases in his daily life. Internally argues with himself, as he doesn't feel worthy to be with the other.

It's a mental quandary. One without a true answer. One that is completely impossible to fathom. Siuado Yerger, siuado 

Save me?

You want to save me? Save me from what? Save me from myself? I have Expected that by giving myself, it is enough.

I have nothing to give. Nothing to share. I have nothing to provide. No house to say, come to me. Nothing but an aging man who is slowly succumbing to my ailment.

With all of that being said.

I offer myself completely and totally. And I hope that means something. 

The thin line

Their's a saying that floats around society. It's about people straddling the thin line between light and dark.

I have lived this way throughout the majority of my life.

Dark and light
Good and bad
Holy and evil

There are a few times, as life passes, where things become blurry for me.


What does it mean to actually trudge through the things that are neither? Grey, not light or dark.

Where does this path lead? I truly have no idea.....

sadness

Sadness is as addictive as any chemical drug. Just when you think that it has been dropped from your views. You find that it scurries back , even without the legs of a bug. Wanting to live and enjoy your existence, realizing that any sadness is self-created deprecation; remembering that it is the by-product of an overactive imagination. 

Elusive

 

Happiness is as elusive as any mythical creature.
Easily talked about, dreamed of, and hoped for.
Whenever you find this mythical, mysterious creature.
It flits out of your view.

If you happen to find it within your grasp.
Try to grasp it tightly.

Yet Never let it go. 

Stunted

Have you ever felt so appalled,  so angry with the actions of another person,  that you wanted to explode? I, am.

I want to lash out.  I want to bring the pain of a thousand tiny cuts,  onto a spot smaller than a postage stamp. 

Yet , when I think about the entire situation.  I feel that it is better to just be a helping hand,  as actively pursuing something that is ridiculously difficult to fathom 

 Well, it leaves me, stunted. 

By western standards

Today is my birthday 

 As a matter of fact , I came into this world at 12:01 am. So it gave me an entire day right after I came into this world, to explore every facet that is here. 

After a long time.  I have been thinking about all of the things that I have done 

 All of the things that I failed at.  All of the things that I had. 

I appreciate each item.  Each day, each experience. Completely lucky to be exactly where I am now. 

fighting a losing battle

No matter how much I try.  No matter how much I learn.  I still feel that I am a casualty in a losing battle.  I open myself to the entire universe.  Share everything that is me.  Yet I still watch as the blood drips from my lips. I don't know if that's simply my insecurities,  Or if in fact words unsaid hide that which would hurt me.  I wish I knew.  Truly I do. 

Hopefully

It's been a long time since I was able to say that I was effortlessly happy. 

A long time since I have been able to say that I truly am ok.

Trepadatiously, I watch as everything around me turns into sediment.  Slowly filtering down to the bottom of the pool of life. 

Hopefully it will not become a horrible muddy mess.  Bogging down my steps. 

Hopefully. 

it's a day

Like many other days.  The sun rose from the east coast and set in the west.  This is nothing new.  As a matter of fact,  it's expected.  

My thoughts float to history.  A feeling that I am no longer at home flows effortlessly.  It gets bogged down and beaches itself.  

The waters of life continue to flow.  Never ceasing.  Never slowing.  Simply pushing past the beached thoughts.  Flowing tirelessly.  Never changing. 

I sit back and self assess.  Realizing that nothing is ever going to change.  This story has been told timelessly. Yet realizing that nothing can be quite the same,  ever again.  So I sit back , and wait.  Hopeful that my perspective will never be altered.  Waiting and watching is all I will be.  All that I ever know. 

Can anyone truly.

Explain why all I know is how to struggle? Why no matter how much I try.  I always seem to over accentuate how much I truly wish to help. Why I get so engrossed in everything that happens to me.  With everyone who gets engrossed in me. 

Life is chaos,  and the only thing that is one hundred percent true.  Is change itself. Not a moment goes by where I am not reminded of a sad or somber emotion.  A place 

 A feeling.  A tear. A memory of time's long gone,  but not so long ago. 

A time when I didn't feel damaged at the drop of a hat.  A time when I looked at logic and reason to make every movement.  Every action. 

Please help me find that confidence again. 

While waiting

As I sit here , thoughts are in turmoil.

Maybe it's because I have nothing to do but worry? Maybe it's because I think more than most? Maybe it's because I am unable to do more than others in my life? Maybe it's because I am simply a different breed of human?

When it's all said and done.  I'm proud to say that I have a love that I never ever expected to come true; therefore, it doesn't matter. Everything else is secondary. 

Go big, or go home

Go big or go home

I have a wonderful tendency. I tend to always go all in, no matter the odds stacked against me.

Often, people who know of me, scold me for going all in.

Yet, unfortunately, I only know one way to be. That has caused me insurmountable amounts of pain over the years. Occasionally, I will be verifiably rewarded for my trouble.

Still, I always do exactly what I entitled this bit of verbal criticism.

Go big or go home. 

in this time of civil unrest

I knew that it was going to come.  A time where people are so self centered and completely reactionary.  A time where, I see everything that is happening. Now,  more than ever, I shake my head in shame.  Ashamed of my brother's and sisters. My extended family.  Obviously,  not all of them.  Just generally all of those that succumb to the chaos,  instead of throwing their hands up.  Attempting to thwart the things that are trying to overwhelm us all.

A fit of clarity

I sit here, dig completely through the days that pass.  Think carefully and meticulously about a semi segmented past. 

 As a man whom is always sensing completely, and transparently. I find that the world that surrounds me is dying. Not  due to an explosive,   or an instant blast; however,  slowly and meticulous swirling tempest of human unrest. People yearning for choices.  People pleading for some solace. For some kind of reason.  Something beyond fear.  Something beyond hate. 

I don't know what the answer to the question is.  And frankly I wish I did. 

chaos magic

When confronted with my mortality, I often feel horribly depressed. I look at my life as it has passed. I look at my face. I See the aging that has occured.

I see the woman of my dreams. Smart, funny, brilliant, and absolutely gorgeous.

I see myself in a few years time. Grizzled, scarred, and sometimes bloody. Yet smiling .


Above everything else, I see my family. I see my mother and father. My father smiling down. My mother smiling at me. Both with a pride that I don't know if I deserve. Yet is still there

sad realizations

This week started off wonderful.  Adventures.  Exploration. A bit of travel. But in the end,  a great time. 

Yet, when it was all said and done. I showed my entire hand. Pulled out all of the stops

For some strange reason,  I feel more anxious than I ever have. Maybe it's because I showed my whole hand,  before the ante was played. 

I don't know exactly what is churning in my thought locker. I don't know if it is true or not; however,  I know what I feel.  

And unfortunately I feel anxious. Unshielded.  Unarmored.

I guess I will meditate and try to find some clarity in spite of everything that is happening. 

surfing and adventure

The day started off with a silent,  yet steady tide  A familiar tide. Slowly flowing in my head.  A sunlit moment, a burst of love and happiness.  Then, out of the blue.  A huge tidal wave over took me,  driving my head down into the sand.  Exhaling my breath,  making sure that I was able to at least tread away from the turf. After the anguish subsided,  and I was able to breath again, freely.  I am not exactly proud of how far into the dark sands I sank. Yet down I went.  After the initial barrage subsided,  I was floating again.  Gasping for breath. Floating on my back.. Thanks to my little bear,  even though the tribulations had only just begun.  I licked my wounds.  Dusted myself off and took one step at a time.  We were completely free,  and happy together.  In a fashion that I truly never expected,  nor experienced. When the clouds cleared,  the sky slowly darkened.  I looked deeply into those doe eyes.  All I could feel was happiness unending.  Completeness, And thankfulness.

 All in all , the adventures ensued until deeply into the night.  This was a great day, and I felt alive once again .

succumbing to fear

Not a day goes by,  where I am reminded of why fear has consistently encircled my life.  

I fear that I will wake tomorrow morning and be unable to walk.  

I fear that my heart is too damaged. My soul too ripped and torn asunder. My brain is too dilapidated. 

I fear that my life is a waste of time for anyone who attempts to help me. 

I fear that no matter how hard I try. I will inevitably face my pain on my own. 

I fear, that due to past issues,  even though I say we, the "I" in every person will beat out my feeble crys for assistance. 

These are all bits and pieces of the damage that has been done to me in the past.  A past that I was never given a choice. That even though I was trying everything I could to fix,  needed to fix itself first. 

So all I can do is keep pushing forward.  Not only because of me.  So I can make this life better for my little bear.  This saviour bear will repair the world,  and my  past damage. 

There are day's

Oftentimes,  there are day's when , even with the happiness and love which surrounds me,  I succumb to my inner fear and darkness.  I will lay in my bed.  Stare at the ceiling for hours.  Trying to figure out what,  if any, wrong turns I made. 

Those night's,  as soon as the sun goes down.  I will succumb to slumber at first, yet then become nocturnal. Usually,  I will lay directly in front of my fan, no blanket,  no shirt.  My body temperature plummets, I feel frigid thoughts and the icy grip of my darkest feelings take the stage.  

Deepest fears.  Darkest thoughts.  Both which are held at bay during the day. They all begin  to Flood my thoughts.  My eyes turn shades of deep green,  darker blue, and sometimes grey.  

The pain of one thousand tiny cuts flash into my heart.  The anger  , which has been simmering for years,  bursts from my brain pan.

I do my best to Express my thoughts. I often feel a frozen hand on my arm,  sometimes even my face. Yet my word's are seemingly either unheard,  maybe ignored. 

Being unable

I often joke about the word,  can't.  I say that word is an unusable contraction.  And therefore shouldn't be used. 

What can anyone do if there are things that you cannot do.  Physically unable to 

 Emotionally unable to.  You name it. 

I find that,  when you have a thought that is difficult to process,  difficult to explain. The easiest course of action is to simply let things flow and let things happen.  It always seems to work beneficially.  So just be,  and it will be fine in the long run. 

fears of failure

     As the saying goes,  " The only thing to fear, is fear itself ".

     For decade's,  fear has silently stalked my every move.  Ready to pounce.

    Oftentimes I charge into the battle, head first.  Screaming blood curdling battle songs . Filled with anguish,  anger,  and sadness.  

Recently,  I am blessed that I found my Valkyrie.  My lilliputian. My little bear.  

I feel happy for the first time in years.  This makes me happy to be sal-Bjorn.  The savior bear. 

So thank you again little bear.  Thank you again. 

The Darkest days of. .....

I have lived through my worst fears coming to fruition in front of me. I have lost more than most people who are twice my age.  I have held those who I cared most about, as they gasped their last breath.  I have been within inches of losing my life. I have calmed beasts whom were ripping each other apart. I have broken my own heart and mind in a single moment.  I have witnessed the destruction of people who were truly trusting me, and my decisions. I have watched my body slowly,  yet inevitably eat itself.  All of these things define... 

Me

How could they

For years I tried to help people, and for what? The thought I was going to make other people see beyond my disease. That I was going to be able to get past this idea that I am less than human because I can't do things like everyone else?

I have felt sub human for a long time, and I am tired of being treated like that.

Isn't that prejudiced and mind bogglingly stupid?

Heat

I am a little bit hot blooded.  Not in the way that you inevitably think.  Just warmer than most people in the world today. Whenever I get my external temperature scanned.  It is oftentimes lower than average.  Yet internally,  I am constantly burning with the fire of a thousand thousand suns.  Many time's in lower than average temperatures,  I have walked around with no shirt on, and felt as though I was melting snow before it even came close to me; however,  I feel cool to the touch.  It's a strange feeling,  being so much like fire,  yet cool.  I guess that is a statement about me in this reality.  

Burning with the passion of a thousand thousand suns,  yet calm cool and collected. 

I've been through hell , that's all I know.

    This world has never been kind to me.  Truly I have been through hell numerous times.  All I know, is a pain that has followed me every day.

   

I put myself in many different situations.  All trying to find a way to avoid it.  Whenever I believe that I am doing something right.  I am reminded that I am not.  

I have gotten through so much internal pain.  It's easily a  remiinder that I deserve to be ripped apart. That I deserve to feel pain,  because I should have known better. 

Kharma means action.  And my actions have lead me exactly where I belong.  My actions caused this. My actions lead me exactly where I am. 

the best of times

Today I am going to type a missive directly from my heart. 

For the first time,  for many reasons,  I am feeling blessed and grateful.  Not for anything,  not for anyone else.  Just because. l am able to live and thrive in the skin I'm in.

I'm in completely alien territory. I'm completely off world.  Floating in space. Grinning from ear to ear. 

This grin  has been on a bit of a hibernation. 

Do you know why I am both in alien territory,  yet happy?

Because I have found someone who makes my heart happy.  Who makes my life better 

 Who knows how I am. Who knows what I have experienced.  To that, I say this.  

Thank you little bear.  I love you. 

I want to do this right

There are times in life when a person is unable to do anything to make a difference. Unable to go anywhere but spin tires in the mud. Often Times, being stuck is a choice, not a happenstance. 

Truthfully, I have been in the rut before. 

For a decade of squandered time. 

Honestly, it seems that I may have fallen into a rut again. The hope that love was true Again, tainted.

What is so difficult , is how I was blind sided. 

Perhaps, 2016 glen had it right. Perhaps I don't really deserve anyone who loves me unconditionally. Perhaps I will never find anyone willing to fight for me. 

Perhaps, I was plain stupid for simply being me, as 40 years of being me lead to a twisting path of pain. 

I really don't know. 

wish

I wish I didn't struggle every second of every day.

  I wish that my ailment didn't define me.  

I wish that my body was not a huge battlefield. 

I wish that my knee jerk response was not a fight or flight response.

 I wish I could be better than I am.

 I wish I could turn off my emotions. 

 I wish that I had more to offer anyone,  more than just me. 

And above all else.  I wish that everything was better for everyone.  Even if it is not because of anything that I did. 

is it wrong of me to feel like a sacrafical lamb?

I have been deemed an essential worker since this crap hit. What does that even mean?

My job is an essential commodity.  I am required to keep the gears spinning.  Where I am.  I'm extremely well trained and knowledgeable.  I have, honestly,  been working with all levels of fuel since I was 18.  So it makes sense,  why I do what I do. 

     When it's all said and done.  Most people I meet are grateful for my being there. Yet on a few occasions,  a person appears who is mean,  and plain angry. 

It makes me feel unappreciated. Makes me feel like a lamb walking to the slaughterhouse. Wearing my mask. Washing my hands and face religiously.  Until my skin is chapped and worn.  Emphatically disinfecting common touch areas. 

All while Trying not to fall,  as high pollen counts mean extra inflammation in an already ailing body.  Keeping knowledge safely tucked into my mental lockbox.       

     

Looking at myself in the mirror,  I swear that at times  blood is dripping from my smile. Not because I am afflicted,  but because of a dying capitalist system.  That truly needs to go.

Suck it up Yerger,  suck it up and drive on. 

for a long time

For a long time, I thought that love was a fairy tale. That scientifically proven facts about chemicals and enzymatic processes defined what love truly was.

I had given up on humanistic thoughts. Given up on the ability to touch someone. Given up on actually being heard. Given up on anything else, but me.

I was woken up. Slapped in the face. Shaken to the core.


It is my wish, and my hope that this is a true feeling. That the dream does not turn into nightmare

dreams of flying

I have often had vivid dreams. Dreams of flying. Dreams of surveying life from a high viewpoint. Flitting around, as I envision a hummingbird does. With wingless flight, complete and powerful movements. Never second guessing my movements.

Sometimes, I fly over past locations that bring back memories. Memories of pain. Memories of sadness. Memories of guilt. Memories of unending grief.


In these dreams. Times meld. Feelings coalesce. I fly through moments, recalibrate. Return to flight.

I feel at ease during those dreams. As if I finally am back home.

Then I wake up, and instantly feel the weight of reality. Tears flow. I remember the dreams. And my mind quickly begins placing a haze over those memories.

I roll over in my bed. Sit up. Blow my nose. Silently wipe away the tears.

It's true, my brain is my worst enemy.

Possession

The facsimile definition of love.

 This is a common problem that rears it's evil head in a fashion that  is uncaring and invisible. It is what makes so many relationships fail in the world today. 

    When asked about how their relationships lasted a long time. Many old timers would Express that they came from a time,  where instead of throwing things, that are broken , away.  They fixed them.

     Be sure that when you say that you love someone you mean it completely,  and not out of a misguided sense of ownership.

   I hope that this thought is heard through the ages. That it makes sense. That when read,  it does echo through the minds of many people.  For decades to come. 

I often find it difficult to share my thoughts

I'll admit. I am often fearful. Not because I fear pain or any physical harm. I am afraid that damage to my heart would destroy my soul. Something that I have tried to repair over time. My damaged soul. Ripped, and shredded. I understand that I am extremely sensitive and often seem very needy. With that being said, I open up only to specific and a special kind of person. Why , is it seemingly easy to just replace me? I mean, sure. I'm difficult to understand. So unique that it is extremely scary to open up to me. 

What's a glen to do.

It is my hope

     That my positivity counteracts my seemingly negative feelings. Those who know me, understand that I am always brimming with positivity. Yet I barely ever smile,  and I have a deep and dark history. 

    There's so much involved with glen.  A million million reasons why I am not the easiest person to understand.  The easiest to handle.

    

     Frankly,  I don't open up completely for many people.  Those, who I do open up to,  are obviously special.  Recently,  I have begun to open up to a very special woman.  I hope that my torrid history and past experiences don't overwhelm. 

     Whenever it's all said and done,  the best way I can explain my life? With a simple,  somber smile.  As I am simply me.  Love me,  or hate me. 

Living in a state of internal fear is weighing in me

I've been stuck in a position in this life of complete internal fear. This mindset is alien to me, and yet here i am. I fear no physical problems,  no assailant,  and no person on this earth. The worst, in that regard, has happened, before ; however,  not knowing where,  or if more bad luck is popping up tomorrow,  eats me daily. I'm  not sure how i can fix it.

Moving forward. ......always forward.

Anything

Another


This is another case of harsh realization. The love I yearned for has quite literally fallen in my lap. I feel liberated and happy.

Unfortunately, that happiness is tainted. Tainted by my misgivings. Tainted by something that will always be there. This monster has taken more from me, and continues to take more and more.

My energy. My genuine smile. My sanity. Hell, even my body.

It is uncaring and completely chaotic. Some days it feels like giving me a false impression of moving normally. Only pounce when I move. I swear, that at times, I can hear a maniacal laughter. Whenever I envision this monster. I think of a typical, moustached super villain. Bowler cap and all.

I guess I need to be more of a superhero to defeat him.

Eternal sadness

Is it the human condition?
If you let it be.

As a human, we have the right,
No, the gift, of choice.

We can wallow in the depths
Of our self Imposed suffering.

Reminisce on the things that happened yesterday. Analyze every step we took.

Make the mental leap between having a sharp intelligence.  Maybe even trying to dull our senses using external forces. 

Or we can choose to be thankful for the right now.
For being able to experience the life we have.  

But that's the rub,  isn't it?

As humans we often find ourselves addicted to sadness and despair.  

Not because we enjoy the way it feels.  But because the chemically induced solace has become something that we know. 

So we hope and pray that we are going on the right path.  Even if it is the less traveled. 

for a long time

I have been struggling. struggling to understand. Struggling to feel better. Struggling To be the person that I used to be. Struggling to be the best version of me.
This past weekend was a huge wakeup call. I enjoyed seeing everyone who attended the event, yet I felt as though I was more of a liability than a helper. I guess that my definition of my affliction being akin to entropy is painfully true. And you're damn right. I'm bitter about my affliction. Did I do something so horrible, that I deserve to be punished by the universe? I guess I did something that cosmically made me into target. But oh well. No use crying over spilt milk. 

Time

It's funny,  isn't it? It? One day,  you can look at things as they transpire.  The next,  perspective has changed.

       It really is a funny happenstance.  How things can change at the bat of an eye.  Long term plans can be long term battles. Long term battles can become short term occurrences.  

Now,  I'm not saying that there is anything else you can do.  Just that we all see these things, yet we rarely expect them. 

All I can say is, huh....

surveying life

Have you ever sat and surveyed your life? Looked at your every step. Every stumble? Every trip?

I have.

I Meticulously segmented. I Equated every misinterpretation. Mathematically disassembled every movement. Dissected Every reaction. Quantitatively disassembling every breath.

Yet when it's all said and done. The murky water clears. The sediment of life filters to the bottom of the pond.


When the current subsides, the waters clear.



There's always me. Floating, unable to breathe. Unable to swim, only tread water.

This world

     It's funny. 

     Perspectives morph, multiple mutations.  People morph.  Thoughts change.  The definition of I,  opposed to we.

      Thinking is swayed.  People think that they are spoonfed the truth. Yet it is simply different shades of personal,  and private perspective. 

      Whenever a person who always speaks the truth,  is confronted with the facts. It makes the humanity of those you meet, clear and present. 

    What is a man to say or do?Especially when suffering in silence is a considerable and easy response. Hell,  opening the flood gates of years of inner trauma and strife is too.

Whenever the thought process is done.  The choice is prevalent. 

Live for now.  Don't worry. Plan for tomorrow.  Remember yesterday. Just live. 

Breathe. 

In essence

It's funny when things actually work out. Not funny,  jokingly,  but funny in essence.  The funny thing is,  it's a common thought that is generally known. Often disregarded.  Yet known in general. 

    The ever evolving saga of glen changes every moment.  Not only does it evolve,  it mutates into an entirely new path. This mutation,  evolution,  is a new path. One that is scary,  that is full of pitfalls.  However,  in essence,  it is worthwhile. 

I'm alone, but not lonely

    In times like this,  reaching for a connection is paramount. Walking into my house,  hearing the silence of the world today.  Listening to the sound of water droplets plinking onto the windshield. It is evident that The world has been shut off for now.  My brain,still running like a well oiled machine.  Times long gone,  gone but definitely not forgotten. A family torn asunder,  as is the common experience of this reality. Hopping for a better day,  a better way for everyone.  False positives,  false hope.  Craving connection,  as I lock my door behind me. Perhaps,  that is a precursor, for the night tonight.  Perhaps,  for the entirety of the new normal that confronts us all.

 

my escape from insanity

The thin line between sanity and insanity has always been a barrier which I have straddled.  One leg in, one leg out.  Sometimes,  both sides equally embraced.  For good or bad. 

This seesaw has often seemed playful.  My feet touching the ground,  and then floating through space.  Both feet dangling in the nether. 

These feelings , enflamed by emotions,  and unfathomable thoughts.  History flooding through my internal mindscape. Affecting my body,  and my mind.  

   The loss of my son, commingled with happy and pleasant memories of places he was able to witness.  His little eyes,  sparkling in wonderment.  Yet the dark,  despondent look the day he left,  his spark forever floating away. 

       The memories of a father whom hugged me,  and then the statuesque figure which was unable to , or just couldn't respond. Comingling with the man, whom taught me how to climb a tree with a climbing tree stand. Melded with carp being pulled from the river in the middle of night. 

     These thoughts , these feelings,  these memories.  Slowly pressing me towards insanity.  

I'm back

The time for honesty.  

The term fine has become paramount in my every day life.  FUCKED UP,  INSANE, NEUROTIC, EMOTIONAL. 

Those terms,  really do explain how I am. Even more than ever.

At the beginning of march,  I was surprised with the death of my father. 

A man who I was doing everything I could to repair a life long failure at a relationship.  We had become close in the weeks before he left us.   I wrote a small letter about him,  and to him.

     Dad.

For a long time, I thought about what I should say. I mean, how do you define a man who has done more for you, and all of us, Than can be defined.

My dad, 

 We had begun to grow closer than before, in the year before he left us. In all honesty, I came back to the area, because I had almost lost him beforehand, because of his aneurysm.

My dad, 

     I watched from afar, hating that I was unable to help then. Feeling as helpless as a newborn child. Yet it honestly wasn't the first time I unknowingly nearly lost him.

My dad, 

 He taught me new things, every time we talked. From car care, to family care. Taught me how to ride a bicycle, how to drive a manual transmission vehicle. Taught me how to hunt, how to fish. How to Cape a deer. How to field dress any animal I ever hunted. How to bowfish.  How to fish with a rod. 

My dad.  

    A man who was the greatest man I knew.  A leader,  teacher,  friend, and confidant.  A man who gave me the confidence to face any situation with confidence. and strength.  Who often got angry at me for various reasons.  Yet after the initial rush of anger, would sit you down,  and get to the root of why you did what you did. 

My dad. 

   When I was confronted with the reality of a life without him, the first day he was in the ICU intubated and non responsive.  I snapped inside.  However can I face the day.  Without him to back me up? The man who was always a rock. the guy who gave me the strength to go on after my son passed.  After his mother,  after his father.  Who always cried in private,  yet cried nonetheless. 

My dad.

At the end of the day,  I hope that he knows how much I loved him.  How hard it is to say goodbye. How hard it is to face the days without him there. And how deep the pain I feel for his loss. 

My dad.

I love you dad, until we meet again.