I'm still here

Everyone has moved on in their life. I feel that I have been in suspended animation for years and years. When I finally woke up, the world came rushing back in with a vengeance. I drive around feeling angry with myself for giving up, even for the short time I did.  I think I know why it had always been difficult for people to understand what I am and what I do. My health has always been my first priority.

Why do I write my thoughts?

I'm not a hero,  I am not made of stone.   Truer words have never been said.  Using that as a basis for my thoughts,  I often feel that I have not been judged fairly,  and this makes me shake my head.  I am doing my best,  and the rest I have tried to make beneficial for others. 

I'm sad

I'm also angry.  What do I need to do to get everyone to understand that they are controlling nothing,  and the more they try to,  the worse things will get.  I gave everything to defend the country and now I am rarely appreciated.  I help people who are dealing with loss,  and trying their best to accept things that are seemingly unacceptable. I am not perfect,  but I try harder than anyone else that I know.  And for what?  That dear friends is the question of the century.

The world seemingly shrinks

As my life goes on,  the world seemingly shrinks around me,  after growing so large that I couldn't see the full picture.  I am going through times that are seemingly impossible and at times I fall back into thinking that the never ending trouble that follows me is to much to handle.  But then I see the love of my life and I see all that is great. The love of all has lead me astray at times,  and with that being said,  I cannot change the past,  only focus on the future.

Such is the twists and turns of what we call,  life.

Everything and everyone

The time has come to swallow my pride,  and accept that I am not going to get any better.  This world has torn me asunder, in a seemingly endless way. I try to find the best way to get out of the hole that I am in,  but that is likely not the right way. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I feel happy that I have finally found the love of my life.  I have searched for so very long,  and she was right in front of me.  The lost time and the things that I have experienced are forever engrained in my soul,  and it is time to get things in order.  I hope to get my life in order and make my life and my daughters life better. To those who destroyed me again,  I hope you enjoy the shit you have.  I am moving forward and it will all work out the way it is supposed to.  

The first day of my life

Today is the first day of my life.  If you are wondering how that could be, the best things are happening.  I am making the best out of seemingly the worst.  I am forever blessed with those in my life,  and I am forever grateful for them.

The river of time

For a long time,  I have been throwing stones.  Skipping them across the river of time laid in front of me.  Each time a stone hits the river,  a ripple is sent into the fluidity of time.  Those ripples are small, and unable to cause the effect that I am trying to cause.  To the standard view,  I am not causing a change to the forward flow of time,  but ripples do not disappear. The more ripples I cause,  the more I see the ebb and  flow move in a different way.  What is astonishing is that I am not stopping them.  I am altering the outcomes.  Altering life as a whole,  for all involved. I am going to keep causing ripples, and I am not going to stop.

Was I born to early or late?

I'm so very different from everyone else.  I try and try to make my life better.  And for what?  Just so I can feel something other than the pain of everyone and everything around me. I am not able to do the things that I want to.  Believe me I often wonder if I am from a different time,  or a different universe.  I look around at the majority of people who I know,  and I am not really sure if they are stupid or just a bunch of
australopithecus. I guess I am so different that there is not much that I can do to change it.

Life is short

The time we have is fleeting to say the best.  As fleeting as this time spent on this small world where we find ourselves is.  I have found that the key to happiness is taking a chance.  A chance to get what you may find,  and truth will show itself.  I hope that you can find the happiness you deserve,  and that you find a reason to smile.

When I feel worn out, I get existential

I look forward and back.  Trying to see the road which I went on to that was a wrong turn.  I am happy with the place where I am now,  and I am finally with the love of my life.  What happened in my past that made me lose track of my potential,  and what has changed?  From my perspective,  I am still the same man I always have been. The boy who turned out okay,  and never really became what I should have.  What can I do to change it?

When faced with the ultimate end of life

I often find that the people who I know are only in my life for a finite amount of time.  I have no idea how long people will stay in it,  nor do I know when they will leave.  When confronted with the inevitable result of the time we can spend with each other,  the best thing I can say is hold on to your closest friends and family members and everyone else is circumstantial. Hey,  the best is yet to come,  and focus on those who make you feel your best.

i feel like I am not worth anyones time.

At times I worry about everything and everyone.  I try to make my life a semblence of normal,  and I am reminded daily that normal is not my way.  I am not sad, nor angry.  I am tired.  Tired of hearing excuse after excuse.  That is just how it is I guess.

Alas

Why do I get so manic over things that happen,  regardless of whether I could have done anything about it or not.  My cat disappears after moving into my new apartment,  and I have a million thoughts about it.  Why is it so hard for me to just relax and unwind.  I am wound so tight,  I can barely breath at times.  Why is it that no one feels like they are deserving of me,  or my love and devotion.  I wish I knew what is wrong.  What do I need to know that everyone else seems to see.  All in all.  I am glad that I am going to rest now,  but I think that I am going crazy thanks to no one willing to explain things to me.

Why do I keep trying?

I often pose this question to myself,  and I am at my wits end thanks to the universe.  I try,  and try,  and try some more. Hoping that I will be better somehow.  But I never get to the point of being able to find my way through the turmoil that surrounds me.  It hurts being me. It is painful to move and painful to watch the world change. I don't know what to do,  and I don't know where to turn anymore.  No one can help me,  never can.  That is the worst part of this affliction. The entropy that it causes,  and not a thing anyone can do.  Oh well,  why should I even try anymore. 

People just don't get it

I put everything into the things that I do. Everything.  I also try to be great at everything that I do. Sadly, I miss the mark,  often.  I sit in my car,  in front of my apartment,  and I look as the world passes me by. This makes it hard for me to express my feelings. I am not sure if that is the worst thing about this,  or if my life has just been hell,  no matter what I do.  Such is life I guess.

Oh fun

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I am constantly feeling the pain caused by my ailment,  yet I am made sadder, because I convert it.
I have explained that before,  but I think that it is an example of trying to get to know myself better.  See,  I am often sad,  and heart broken,  because love finds a way of eluding me. This kills me,  as I get so close and then I have it ripped out from under me.  It hurts to think that I try so hard,  only to find out that I am not going to be able to stay. I love my kiddo and I want to see her often,  but I am not sure if I can stay in this area anymore.  To much sadness and to much noise that is not able to fix itself.  Good god,  universe,  whatever you are.  Why am I so conflicted with this state of affairs.  Good job glen,  why would you ever be able to get things done the way you want. 

My sadness

Tuesday was an interesting yet sad day. A little boy crossed the street in front of my house.  Seemingly alone,  he crossed into daytime rush hour traffic,  and a pair of people stopped to ask if he was okay.  I was walking to my car,  and I stopped to see why the boy was there.  While waiting for the police,  his mother showed up.  I watched as she crossed the street,  and whisked him away.   I was quite angry,  but I know that I don't know the whole story.  I am not sure if I should have thrown more of a fit,  or not.  I was in a state of shock that this little guy had been left to wander alone,  and no one noticed for nearly an hour.

You know how that plays out.  I get angry and frustrated with people.  I convert that anger to sadness,  making it seem like I am sadder than I am.  But that is how it works with me.

The pride conundrum

Why am I stuck in this never ending saga of trying to make people proud of me.  This is a very hard thing to deal with,  because perfection is impossible . I have found happiness in the eyes of someone else,  but without her I feel unhappy.  She truly was a love that I felt was lost,  and low and behold, all I had to do was try again,  and things worked out.  I am not sure where I am supposed to be,  yet here it is.  The crux terminatous if you will.  I truly believe that I am destined for greatness,  but I am just tredding water,  until the next wave to surf.  Ahh,  the calamity, and the chaos. 

This life is funny

Watching the time pass, and wondering what to do.  I sit here alone and watch the beauty of the world slowly change. I am well known,  yet not known at all. I am a very nice person,  but I am the meanest person who you will ever meet. I am often surrounded with people,  yet I only feel right when I am with one person. I am not sad,  yet I often find myself nearly in tears.  I question many things,  but I rarely find an answer. Hey,  I think that this is what they call,  life.

I'm still not sure what I can do to fix this

My life is a chaotic, 
Insane whirlpool of insanity.  But that is the life I have been given.  The universe will not lead me astray. I believe that with every fiber of my being.  I just hope that it will be kind to me for once.  I implore the universe to be kind for once and for it to stop tormenting me for no reason.

Silence is bliss

But it's also a brief sojourn into hell. I enjoy the silence I achieve,  but I also know being social is important for people.  As we are a social race,  it is nearly always a must to remain social. The alternative,  moderate insanity.

It is frustrating

to be there for myself and then feeling like a jerk because I am worrying about me instead of others. Why does this trouble me so much. And why do I always worry about things I cannot control. Ugh,  this emotional roller coaster is going to kill me....