Life goes by too fast

Every second I am with the love of my life, I feel blessed and happy. The situation is not perfect, and at times I shake my fist in anger at the universe.
Not because I am angry with anyone, but because of how I am reminded every day that I am behind the curve so to speak.
Painstakingly and deliberately I have done everything I can do to make the seemingly correct decision for my health. And everyone else has lived their lives. Have made decisions based on the situations that have befallen them. And here I sit, looking through the dust that was churned up, as everyone else has passed. Living their life to the fullest, while I struggle to keep my body from giving out on me.

My humor is my shield

I laugh and joke around oftentimes thinking that people don't notice. When I do joke it is probably because I'm sad, sadder than most people would even remotely understand. My shield is not infalible, oftentimes people's statements shoot at me like shots from a bow.
     I lost zarek and in a way I've lost avy too. No matter how much I am told that I have not lost her, and I know it's true. I still feel like I am doing this the wrong way.
Yet, the wrong way is an elusive, and ambiguous way of thinking. There is no right or wrong, there simply is.
     I am oftentimes torn between two ways of thinking. That what I am doing is wrong and what I am doing is correct. I think a lot, more than I should. That is the way it is, but I want to change it.