Dreams of running

There was a time when running was almost a punishment for me.  Recently,  I have dreamed that no matter what I was able to run everywhere   Running was not a struggle.  It was almost a happy time that was enjoyable.  In the dream,  I went everywhere by running.  I ran to many places. Ran just to run.  Oh how I wish I could.  Every moment of every day. 

Before you go

I know . Stop thinking glen. 

 Yet my mind keeps going back to believing that everything is temporary.  Watching  the perpetual now, slowly, but surely, change.

I know  that so much transpires in the day to day rat race. As such, I cannot help but think and feel that I didn't do enough. At the end of the  day.  All that really matters. I am sorry that I missed the mark on so many things. 

So all I ask is,  before you go.  Please forgive me for not doing more in this blink of an eye. 

I don't mean to cause apathy

I guess I often become boring quickly. Not that it's any surprise,  really. I'm interesting to a point,  unfortunately that point usually becomes dull.  I'm not exactly the best. Don't have very much money.  Not really that special.  Regardless, when I love,  I love completely and without question. So it comes,  usually out of the blue,  when I get dropped.  But hey,  I'm still here. 

There are days

When I get so angry and sad that I feel that I should implode. More and more,  I'm shown how much I should be silently complacent. It always seems the more I struggle.  The happier others are.  I truly believe that it is my job to simply be a silent and complacent person in order to help everyone be happy.  

After all,  who knows anything else about my life and actions? Some have seen a small amount of my struggle,  but never the whole thing.  

Probing my shadow self part 5

I'm extremely stubborn.  Stubborn too a fault. When something seems to be amiss,  I stubbornly latch on.  I do everything I can  make sure it works how, I believe,  it is beneficial for everyone involved.  

I often find myself latching onto air.  Because my mind tells me to grasp onto something that I feel is wrong.  Yet truly,  it's not exactly there. 

I push myself to be better.  To be the best version of myself. All of this,  Without even caring about my well being. A lot of it is because I see a world that is suffering.  That has no thoughts that generally affect the whole.  It is often about the individual. 

I truly wonder if I am in the wrong. Have an icee and chill out yerger. 

Probing my shadow self part 4

I'm quick to believe that something is directly targeted at me.  Regardless of what I am told. 

As Time passes,  everything that I know has seemed to be a direct affront to me. Friends, what are they? For nearly a decade,  I watched as things were done.  Things that were said.  People who said that I was a friend. Unfortunately this was a blatant fallacy. 

When I needed people to understand.  Needed people who were friends. Needed other's to help.  I was sadly discarded.  

No matter how much I wanted to try for anyone to assist.  I was reminded that I am on my own. Therefore,  I am very quick to feel slighted by the people who were supposed to be there. Is it any wonder that I felt as a detriment to overcome. Not a true human being that lives and breathes. 

Probing my shadow self part 3

Deep down, I truly feel that I have done horrible things in my life. My past was tumultuous to say the least. I have gone through more segments of grief and abandonment than most. At times, especially when I am shown any kindness. I am fraught with anxiety. Thoughts of, do I deserve to be loved or respected? Thoughts of, what makes me have the right to be anything but perpetually sad? Perpetually anguished and completely torn asunder? Even though I believe that I am a good person, currently, that doesn't give me the right to be anything but distraught.  

Statements like, you were following orders. That was a different time. The past is gone. You name it. 

I understand that belief. Yet I was a concious observer. Who could have chosen path b instead of path a. 

Watching life disappear from someone else weighs on my every moment. Watching with sad but resilient eyes. Looking for a respite from those feelings. 

Probing my shadow self part 2

Although the snarling and rabid hound that's my anger is a giant part of who I am.  It's only half of the full glen story.  

Behind all of the rage and utter pain,  is a deep feeling of sadness. This sadness has nearly engulfed me numerous times.  Drug me to the deepest depths of my worst fears. 

Turned me into a basket case. Filled my thoughts with loss. Drenched my face with my tears. 

This side of me has always been right in the forefront of my thoughts. Scoffing and jeering. As my thoughts work in overdrive.

The saddest  thing is,  there is no definitive answer for this situation.  Just giant question marks.  Who,  what,  when,  where and why.  I wish I knew 

Probing my shadow self

I have been discussing my darkest thoughts and memories several times in this blog. Knowing that dark half, truly gives a direct glimpse into me. 

That dark side, is always brimming with anger. Always spiteful. Just like a pit bull with lock jaw, latches on to small things until they snap. That side of me is quick to jump for the throat, if anything shows signs of minimal weakness. That part is a person who I absolutely despise. 

He was useful in times long gone. Yet I have learned how to put a pincher collar on him, until I was able to get him to chill out.

Even though he is tethered, and leashed. I fear that he will break out of his kennel and destroy things again. 

Here's to hoping that I can keep him safely in check. 

The rain has taken everything from my heart

The rain is implied.  Yet it is also uncaring and unfeeling.  Some days I wish I were too. Some days I think that lack of emotion would be beneficial.  Would be calming.  Yet I am still meticulously picking everything  that I am,   apart. Unfortunately,  I see things that I don't exactly want to.  Parts of me that are extremely dark. Extremely foreboding and absolutely scary. But it is me. I see that Time is running out,  and yet seemingly moving in slow motion. 

This is a new experience

I don't exactly know what I should currently feel.  Should I give in to euphoria of happiness and love? Or should I be wary of everything that this situation is,  and means. That dear friends is the giant question mark,  that sits above my head right now.  I truly hope that I am just being super hasty,  and not thinking straight. 

Letting life kill my spark.

For all too long I have walked through life with a smile hiding a deep hole.  This hole has swallowed up everything that is good.  Swallowed my heart,  my light,  and everything that makes me feel somewhat better.  I hope that it can be stitched together permanently.  That it begins to heal itself.  Pardon me for being so used to the alternative. Being so sensitive and watching as life passes me by.  No remorse,  no extenuating circumstances.  Nothing to do,  but accept the inevitable. 

So I have watched as my inner light flickers and dims. Scary and sad as it is. 

The life of a rolling stone

As I recently mentioned,  I have been doing allot of self reflection. Thinking about life as it has passed.  Quietly listening to the history of what I have learned. Time flows inevitably forward.  Always flowing forward.  I look back at everything that I have perceived.  The good things,  the bad things,  even the horrible heart wrenching things. I take a tally of the entire equation.  The unanswerable questions. Everything.  The math doesn't seem to add up.  Why doesn't it ever seem to equal?

Frankly,  I don't know.  Guess I need to recalculate the whole thing. 

Keep on rolling down the hills,  and hopefully gravity is kind.