Save me?

You want to save me? Save me from what? Save me from myself? I have Expected that by giving myself, it is enough.

I have nothing to give. Nothing to share. I have nothing to provide. No house to say, come to me. Nothing but an aging man who is slowly succumbing to my ailment.

With all of that being said.

I offer myself completely and totally. And I hope that means something. 

The thin line

Their's a saying that floats around society. It's about people straddling the thin line between light and dark.

I have lived this way throughout the majority of my life.

Dark and light
Good and bad
Holy and evil

There are a few times, as life passes, where things become blurry for me.


What does it mean to actually trudge through the things that are neither? Grey, not light or dark.

Where does this path lead? I truly have no idea.....

sadness

Sadness is as addictive as any chemical drug. Just when you think that it has been dropped from your views. You find that it scurries back , even without the legs of a bug. Wanting to live and enjoy your existence, realizing that any sadness is self-created deprecation; remembering that it is the by-product of an overactive imagination. 

Elusive

 

Happiness is as elusive as any mythical creature.
Easily talked about, dreamed of, and hoped for.
Whenever you find this mythical, mysterious creature.
It flits out of your view.

If you happen to find it within your grasp.
Try to grasp it tightly.

Yet Never let it go. 

Stunted

Have you ever felt so appalled,  so angry with the actions of another person,  that you wanted to explode? I, am.

I want to lash out.  I want to bring the pain of a thousand tiny cuts,  onto a spot smaller than a postage stamp. 

Yet , when I think about the entire situation.  I feel that it is better to just be a helping hand,  as actively pursuing something that is ridiculously difficult to fathom 

 Well, it leaves me, stunted. 

By western standards

Today is my birthday 

 As a matter of fact , I came into this world at 12:01 am. So it gave me an entire day right after I came into this world, to explore every facet that is here. 

After a long time.  I have been thinking about all of the things that I have done 

 All of the things that I failed at.  All of the things that I had. 

I appreciate each item.  Each day, each experience. Completely lucky to be exactly where I am now. 

fighting a losing battle

No matter how much I try.  No matter how much I learn.  I still feel that I am a casualty in a losing battle.  I open myself to the entire universe.  Share everything that is me.  Yet I still watch as the blood drips from my lips. I don't know if that's simply my insecurities,  Or if in fact words unsaid hide that which would hurt me.  I wish I knew.  Truly I do. 

Hopefully

It's been a long time since I was able to say that I was effortlessly happy. 

A long time since I have been able to say that I truly am ok.

Trepadatiously, I watch as everything around me turns into sediment.  Slowly filtering down to the bottom of the pool of life. 

Hopefully it will not become a horrible muddy mess.  Bogging down my steps. 

Hopefully. 

it's a day

Like many other days.  The sun rose from the east coast and set in the west.  This is nothing new.  As a matter of fact,  it's expected.  

My thoughts float to history.  A feeling that I am no longer at home flows effortlessly.  It gets bogged down and beaches itself.  

The waters of life continue to flow.  Never ceasing.  Never slowing.  Simply pushing past the beached thoughts.  Flowing tirelessly.  Never changing. 

I sit back and self assess.  Realizing that nothing is ever going to change.  This story has been told timelessly. Yet realizing that nothing can be quite the same,  ever again.  So I sit back , and wait.  Hopeful that my perspective will never be altered.  Waiting and watching is all I will be.  All that I ever know. 

Can anyone truly.

Explain why all I know is how to struggle? Why no matter how much I try.  I always seem to over accentuate how much I truly wish to help. Why I get so engrossed in everything that happens to me.  With everyone who gets engrossed in me. 

Life is chaos,  and the only thing that is one hundred percent true.  Is change itself. Not a moment goes by where I am not reminded of a sad or somber emotion.  A place 

 A feeling.  A tear. A memory of time's long gone,  but not so long ago. 

A time when I didn't feel damaged at the drop of a hat.  A time when I looked at logic and reason to make every movement.  Every action. 

Please help me find that confidence again. 

While waiting

As I sit here , thoughts are in turmoil.

Maybe it's because I have nothing to do but worry? Maybe it's because I think more than most? Maybe it's because I am unable to do more than others in my life? Maybe it's because I am simply a different breed of human?

When it's all said and done.  I'm proud to say that I have a love that I never ever expected to come true; therefore, it doesn't matter. Everything else is secondary. 

Go big, or go home

Go big or go home

I have a wonderful tendency. I tend to always go all in, no matter the odds stacked against me.

Often, people who know of me, scold me for going all in.

Yet, unfortunately, I only know one way to be. That has caused me insurmountable amounts of pain over the years. Occasionally, I will be verifiably rewarded for my trouble.

Still, I always do exactly what I entitled this bit of verbal criticism.

Go big or go home. 

in this time of civil unrest

I knew that it was going to come.  A time where people are so self centered and completely reactionary.  A time where, I see everything that is happening. Now,  more than ever, I shake my head in shame.  Ashamed of my brother's and sisters. My extended family.  Obviously,  not all of them.  Just generally all of those that succumb to the chaos,  instead of throwing their hands up.  Attempting to thwart the things that are trying to overwhelm us all.

A fit of clarity

I sit here, dig completely through the days that pass.  Think carefully and meticulously about a semi segmented past. 

 As a man whom is always sensing completely, and transparently. I find that the world that surrounds me is dying. Not  due to an explosive,   or an instant blast; however,  slowly and meticulous swirling tempest of human unrest. People yearning for choices.  People pleading for some solace. For some kind of reason.  Something beyond fear.  Something beyond hate. 

I don't know what the answer to the question is.  And frankly I wish I did. 

chaos magic

When confronted with my mortality, I often feel horribly depressed. I look at my life as it has passed. I look at my face. I See the aging that has occured.

I see the woman of my dreams. Smart, funny, brilliant, and absolutely gorgeous.

I see myself in a few years time. Grizzled, scarred, and sometimes bloody. Yet smiling .


Above everything else, I see my family. I see my mother and father. My father smiling down. My mother smiling at me. Both with a pride that I don't know if I deserve. Yet is still there