My humor is my shield

I laugh and joke around oftentimes thinking that people don't notice. When I do joke it is probably because I'm sad, sadder than most people would even remotely understand. My shield is not infalible, oftentimes people's statements shoot at me like shots from a bow.
     I lost zarek and in a way I've lost avy too. No matter how much I am told that I have not lost her, and I know it's true. I still feel like I am doing this the wrong way.
Yet, the wrong way is an elusive, and ambiguous way of thinking. There is no right or wrong, there simply is.
     I am oftentimes torn between two ways of thinking. That what I am doing is wrong and what I am doing is correct. I think a lot, more than I should. That is the way it is, but I want to change it.