I'm back

The time for honesty.  

The term fine has become paramount in my every day life.  FUCKED UP,  INSANE, NEUROTIC, EMOTIONAL. 

Those terms,  really do explain how I am. Even more than ever.

At the beginning of march,  I was surprised with the death of my father. 

A man who I was doing everything I could to repair a life long failure at a relationship.  We had become close in the weeks before he left us.   I wrote a small letter about him,  and to him.

     Dad.

For a long time, I thought about what I should say. I mean, how do you define a man who has done more for you, and all of us, Than can be defined.

My dad, 

 We had begun to grow closer than before, in the year before he left us. In all honesty, I came back to the area, because I had almost lost him beforehand, because of his aneurysm.

My dad, 

     I watched from afar, hating that I was unable to help then. Feeling as helpless as a newborn child. Yet it honestly wasn't the first time I unknowingly nearly lost him.

My dad, 

 He taught me new things, every time we talked. From car care, to family care. Taught me how to ride a bicycle, how to drive a manual transmission vehicle. Taught me how to hunt, how to fish. How to Cape a deer. How to field dress any animal I ever hunted. How to bowfish.  How to fish with a rod. 

My dad.  

    A man who was the greatest man I knew.  A leader,  teacher,  friend, and confidant.  A man who gave me the confidence to face any situation with confidence. and strength.  Who often got angry at me for various reasons.  Yet after the initial rush of anger, would sit you down,  and get to the root of why you did what you did. 

My dad. 

   When I was confronted with the reality of a life without him, the first day he was in the ICU intubated and non responsive.  I snapped inside.  However can I face the day.  Without him to back me up? The man who was always a rock. the guy who gave me the strength to go on after my son passed.  After his mother,  after his father.  Who always cried in private,  yet cried nonetheless. 

My dad.

At the end of the day,  I hope that he knows how much I loved him.  How hard it is to say goodbye. How hard it is to face the days without him there. And how deep the pain I feel for his loss. 

My dad.

I love you dad, until we meet again.