Deep down, I truly feel that I have done horrible things in my life. My past was tumultuous to say the least. I have gone through more segments of grief and abandonment than most. At times, especially when I am shown any kindness. I am fraught with anxiety. Thoughts of, do I deserve to be loved or respected? Thoughts of, what makes me have the right to be anything but perpetually sad? Perpetually anguished and completely torn asunder? Even though I believe that I am a good person, currently, that doesn't give me the right to be anything but distraught.
Statements like, you were following orders. That was a different time. The past is gone. You name it.
I understand that belief. Yet I was a concious observer. Who could have chosen path b instead of path a.
Watching life disappear from someone else weighs on my every moment. Watching with sad but resilient eyes. Looking for a respite from those feelings.
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