When zarek left, all those years ago, I sat and thought for weeks on end. Who caused his death. Who can I be angry with. Who did something so incorrectly.
Unfortunately, the answer was , no one. It simply happened. I struggled with words that I heard. Angry thoughts that were sent to me. People who were never really there, deciding that I must have done something wrong. That it was my fault. That I screwed everything up.
For a long time. I tried to process those angry words. These vitrious mean, and spiteful thoughts.
I began to believe that I had ruined things. That it was all me.
Even after years. I still somedays believe those words. Those spiteful and ignorant words that were targeted at me.
I sometimes fall back into those feelings. Fall back into those thoughts.
Yet when it comes to it, I am not at fault. I did nothing but be as good at fatherhood as I could.
And so I am in a fashion. grieving still.
So, if you see me staring into space. Just know that I am trying my damnedest to quell the pain and silence my demons.
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